Tiger Woods Apologizes As The World Watches

A subdued Tiger Woods addressed the world for the first time in three months Friday morning, standing alone at a podium as he apologized for the cheating scandal that destroyed his squeaky-clean image.

“I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior,” he said in a 13-minute speech that was broadcast live on multiple networks.

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He went on to confirm that he has been in therapy since December and will return for more before returning to golf someday.

“I just don’t know when that day will be,” he said, effectively shooting down reports that he’ll play as early as next month.

As for his relationship with his wife, Elin, he said they are discussing things and any further details will be kept between them. He also insisted that his wife never beat him on the infamous night he crashed his SUV and passed out on the street near his house.

“Elin never hurt me that night or any other night,” he said. “There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage ever … Elin deserves praise, not blame.”

Of course, we don’t think anyone was blaming Elin for anything.

Categories: TV