Have Your Own Razzie-Fest!

Eric D. Snider February 4, 2009

The Oscar nominations always send a lot of people scurrying to catch up with the films that are vying for Best Picture. The problem is, the nominees are usually still in theaters, which means you can’t watch them in the comfort of your own home, in your underwear.

That’s where the Razzies (official site) have the Oscars beat. Now in their 29th year, the Razzies honor the worst in filmmaking — and you can bet all the nominees have long since ended their theatrical runs and been consigned to the discount bins at Blockbuster. And their failure is your opportunity! It’s easy for you to have a mini-Razzie-fest at home, with your closest friends and whatever substances you need to help you endure the films.

There are six Worst Picture nominees this year instead of five, due to Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans — both spoof comedies by the same pair of writer/directors — being lumped together. Don’t watch those first, though. Comedies are notoriously hard to heckle. About all you can do is say, “Wow, that isn’t funny.” So save these for later, when you’ve been emboldened by your victory over the other clunkers.

I would start with In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, a goofy sword-and-sorcery tale from German crapmeister Uwe Boll. Surely a film this self-serious and ridiculous will be easy to laugh at.

The same goes for The Happening, M. Night Shyamalan‘s notorious misfire about Mother Nature wreaking dull, methodical revenge against the human race. Fewer movies in 2008 were more unintentionally funny than this one. If you’d care to make it a drinking game, take a shot every time Shyamalan gives an ominous look at a bunch of trees swaying in the breeze.

Now we get into delicate territory. I would say that The Love Guru isn’t nearly as bad as people wanted it to be, and after all that drinking you did in The Happening, you might find a lot of Mike Myers‘ humor genuinely entertaining. Consider this the intermission before you head into truly dangerous waters.

The Hottie and the Nottie stars Paris Hilton. It was barely released in theaters and lasted only a week when it did, grossing a little less than $28,000. I have not seen it. I know it’s supposed to be a comedy, but the presence of Ms. Hilton eliminates whatever chance it had of being funny, enjoyable, or disease-free.

But you’ll need to get through that one if you have any hope of surviving the final double feature. Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans are from the guys who made Date Movie and Epic Movie. Their names are Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. Between them, over the course of their four movies, they have produced approximately five minutes of entertainment. The rest is sheer torture, with outdated pop-cultural references disguised as “satire” and vomit jokes disguised as “comedy.” The only saving grace of these two films is that they’re each only about 70 minutes long. I believe this is due to restrictions placed upon them by the Geneva Convention.