Fun With Summer Movie Taglines

As summer approaches, marketing departments work furiously to up their film’s profile. We like to think of studio marketing departments as slick-haired, mustache-twirling folk who will do or say anything to get in our wallets, but perhaps we should give them a break. When they try to sell Zookeeper as the “must-see comedy event of the summer”, they’re really just doing their job, right? It’s not their fault they’re stuck selling Kevin James. So I thought I’d be a pal and offer some assistance. Below are my proposed movie taglines for upcoming films, featuring a healthy dose of truth-in-advertising.

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Hangover 2
Like Due Date, only you’ll see it!

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Final Destination 5

You keep seeing films like this, we’ll keep making them.

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Kung Fu Panda 2

Guaranteed to be less grating than Kung Fu Panda 3!

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Hanna

Nothing like The Professional. Nope. No siree, Bob.

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Fast Five

Even if you only saw the first one, you haven’t really missed anything plot-wise.

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II

After this … Warner Bros. will be holding a bake sale.

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X-Men: First Class

100 percent less Ratner!

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Super 8

Probably better than 8mm.

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Thor

He’s got a hammer.

Green Lantern

We’re running out of superheroes over here.

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Captain America

See?

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Cars 2
We are Pixar. You will see it. WE SAID YOU WILL SEE IT.

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Transformers 3

BUYER BEWARE: Michael Bay made this.

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Underworld 4

Yep, this is still happening.

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Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

We paid Johnny Depp a quadrillion million dollars.

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Dre writes for Film.com weekly.

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Tags: Fast five, Harry potter finale, Kung fuy panda 2, Summer movies