Stacey Wilson,
Mar 16, 2009
It's March Madness time, and we're celebrating TV's most lovable slaves to the sauce! These characters' habitual excesses offer cautionary tales about substance abuse, and, lucky for us, a tall serving of comedic gold, served straight up.
Karen Walker, Will & Grace
Megan Mullally reinvented the archetypal Drunk Rich Woman with the caustic, rude, and wonderfully slurry Karen Walker, whose constant buzz gave the show some of its best moments: Karen: "All I'm saying is I could do it." Rosario: "Really? Care to make it interesting?"
Karen: "What are you suggesting? Are you asking me to take my top off?" Rosario: "Slow down, Gypsy Rose Lush." Television hasn't seen a better drunk dame since.
Mrs. Ross, Seinfeld
I've adored veteran character actress Grace Zabriskie for years (her scenes on Big Love are consistently the show's sharpest) but it was her brief run as Mrs. Ross, George Costanza's ever-intoxicated mother-in-law, that really grabbed me. Her loathing for her husband, and, more importantly, for George, added an extra dash of boozy nihilism to the main foursome's consistently teetotaling antics.
Jimmy McNulty, The Wire
Oh, Jimmy, will you ever learn? Seeing as the series ended last year, no. But I can still appreciate the ever-charming Det. McNulty (Dominic West) and his penchant for sloppy, infantile misadventures (sleeping with sluts, vomiting at work, drunk-dialing his ex-wife) after tossing back more than few shots of whiskey. But not just any whiskey. McNulty: "Can I get a Jameson?" Bartender: "Bushmills OK?" McNulty: "That's Protestant whiskey."
Norm Peterson, Cheers
Never was there a better (and more lovably chubby) barfly than George "Norm!" Wendt. And the lucky bastard got all of Cheers' best quips: "How's a beer sound, Norm?" "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in." "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer." "What would you say to a beer, Normie?" "Daddy wuvs you." "Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." No, great.
Tommy Gavin, Rescue Me
One of Tommy's endearing qualities (possibly his only) is his ongoing battle with the bottle -- a fight he's won and lost a dozen times during the dramedy's five-year run. "Me in a hotel with a mini-bar," says Tommy (Denis Leary). "How's that story end?" But his greatest foe may not so much be the booze as his toxic family. Tommy's Dad: "Nobody changes, Tommy." You know that. Tommy: "I changed. I quit drinking." Tommy's Dad: "That doesn't mean you've changed. That means you're a pussy." Aw, well, with Dad dead, maybe Tommy will finally find peace and lasting sobriety in the forthcoming Season 5? I'm guessing, not so much.
Meredith Palmer, The Office
Every office has one -- the lonely spinster with a secretive life best kept to herself -- but few are as audacious and openly boozy as Kate Flannery's psycho redhead, Meredeth Palmer. Her love of the sauce (along with exposing her breasts and watching porn, too, apparently) has spawned some near tender moments, like when she got a lift to the rehab: Michael: "I have a deposit, alcoholic. Do I have to sign?" Then later at the office he says, "An intervention is a surprise party for people with addictions." Thank you, Meredith, for making nothing off-limits at Dunder-Mifflin.
Grace Hanadarko, Saving Grace
It takes a super-duper lush to almost kill someone while drunk driving and get back on the sauce in the same episode. Near manslaughter/celestial interference episode aside, Grace (Holly Hunter) is the ultimate southern good-time girl (she's never seen swilling anything but bottled beer, natch) and can, for the most part, hold her booze and still report for duty on time after a night of meaningless sex with a stranger. Can ya'll dig it?
Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Not all lushes are messy drunks; in fact, a great lush may well be the man who uses spirits to enhance his game. Neil Patrick Harris' ace creation, Barney Stinson, is the sharpest lush to ever ask for a double. Oh, and he gets laid. A lot. Barney: "Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, that's a perfect cocktail. Shake well, then sleep with."
Christine Campbell, The New Adventures of Old Christine
I knew I loved Julia Louis-Dreyfus' latest incarnation when jokes about her spending a lot of QT with Merlot and Cabernet were constant and plentiful. Not many shows have the guts to show a single mom be that raw and pathetic, or celebrate her turning to the bottle as a way to cope with loneliness, rejection, and being replaced by a younger model. The truth hurts, yes, but a hell of a lot less after two goblets of the red stuff.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Where do we begin? "Homer no function beer well without." "Beer ... Now there's a temporary solution." "All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer." Homer, you say everything we are afraid to say, have too much self-respect to say, or are too passed out to say. For this, we salute you, dear friend. Bottoms up!
