Maisy Fernandez,
Sep 28, 2009
If ever there was a reality show that needed a kickstart, The Hills is it. Although MTV's golden egg still enjoys rabid fans and top ratings, the content has become more like the film Groundhog Day.
Hey, hasn't Lauren already talked about why she's been mad at Heidi? Didn't Audrina already break it off with Justin Bobby 14 times? And why can't these people find anyone to date who is outside their social circle?
So when Hills focal point Lauren Conrad announced she wouldn't be returning to the show, we were like, Thank God! Any change at this point would be welcomed. And then MTV announced that Kristin Cavillari was entering the mix and we couldn't set our DVR fast enough.
The trailer for the new season announces Kristin with a bang -- The bitch is back! -- and that told us everything we needed to know. The Hills may not be real, but at least it won't be boring.
In anticipation for the new season premiere Sept. 29, here's a refresher course on where everyone stands, and our predictions for the season.
HEIDI AND SPENCER:
After two almost-weddings and a season filled with strife over Spencer's flirtation with Stacie the homewrecking bartender, Speidi finally tied the knot in a foo-foo wedding in the season finale. When we left them on The Hills, Spencer supposedly had gone to therapy to change his ways. He apologized to Lauren and Heidi's mom for being a jerk all those years.
But this wasn't the last time we'd see the dastardly duo, who turned up briefly for a self-centered, drama-filled turn I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, earning disdain and revulsion from fellow celebs on the show. Here, we learned Heidi is a total Bible thumper, which has never been addressed on The Hills, which left us even more dumbfounded that she married Satan's spawn.
Prediction: Once a jackass, always a jackass. Tabloids recently reported that Spencer is legally changing his name to "King Spencer Pratt," so we're pretty sure his humility was short-lived. Also, based on the trailers, we suspect Heidi's dad threatened to kill Spencer if he didn't don a ridiculous cowboy hat for much of the season. And now that the Lauren-Heidi storyline is kaput, Heidi will hang out with the rest of the girls -- but never fully become part of the group because she'll be busy at home serving His Majesty.
AUDRINA:
Last season, The Queen of Blank Stares dumped Justin Bobby for the 1,651st time. When the girls crashed the boys' Hawaiian vacation, Audrina and Brody spent the night together in his room. Although their exact activities were never revealed (read: it was probably a set-up by producers to create a fake storyline), it made for fireworks between Audrina and Brody's girlfriend, Jayde. Thus began a tug-of-war for Brody's loyalty between the two.
Prediction: Audrina will continue to torment Jayde by being forced to show up wherever the couple is, and insisting that Brody take her side in the ongoing skirmish. In the trailer, Kristin goes out with Justin, so we suspect Audrina will bounce back to him like a bungee cord, begging to treated like dirt once again. Yawn.
BRODY:
After shacking up with Audrina in Hawaii, Brody eventually convinced his girlfriend, Jayde, that Audrina was the enemy and that he was an innocent bystander in the situation. He tried stay neutral in the catfight, but when the season ended, he was sticking up for Jayde's feelings and stepping back from Audrina for a while.
Prediction: The drama from the alleged love triangle will continue, replacing the friction that used to occur between Lauren and Heidi. Brody will enjoy the ego boost that comes with women vying for his affections, but pretend he doesn't.
KRISTIN:
Clever Hills producers summoned LC's nemesis Kristin to appear at the Speidi wedding, so that it wouldn't seem totally random when she replaced Lauren in the following season. At the wedding, she told the other girls she needed a man, and revealed she's met, and liked, Justin Bobby. Then she caught Heidi's bouquet.
Prediction: Here come the claws! The trailer, which shows Kristin pissing off everyone on the show, had us salivating. Kristin will work her bitch magic, and give Spencer a run for his money as the resident villain.
LO:
Lo basically took Whitney's place; we don't see much of her personal life. Her sole purpose is to meet people for lunch or cocktails and initiate conversations about their lives, then offer a few words of wisdom.
Prediction: Lo will continue to serve as the curious friend and get lots of free meals and drinks, courtesy of The Hills.
STEPHANIE:
Last season, Steph took more abuse from Spencer, continued to serve as conduit between Heidi and Lauren, got fired from her job and tried to usurp Holly as the maid of honor at Heidi's wedding. When we left her, she was getting closer with her new sis-in-law and looking for a dude.
Prediction: Wishy-washy Stephanie will continue to improve her relationship with other cast members so she doesn't get axed from the show. And since she's on a manhunt, we suspect Kristin and her man-stealing ways will come into play.
HOLLY:
Heidi's sister wrapped up the season by being the world's worst maid of honor. She showed up late to the bridal shower, and got drunk at the rehearsal dinner and threw a potato across the table, staining Heidi's new handbag. When confronted, Holly stormed out of the dinner and apologized to her sister the next day for making a scene.
Post-Hills, Holly took Speidi's place on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, where she openly flirted with American Idol reject Sanjaya.
Prediction: We suspected Holly's inebrieated flakiness on The Hills was a set-up to introduce a potential drinking problem. Next stop: A&E's Intervention!
