As we approach the fourth season of The Hills (10 p.m. Monday, MTV), some of you who haven't watched before may be nervous that you won't be able to understand the complex dynamics on the show. Allow me to fill you in on the most important things that happened on Season Three of The Hills.

THE FRIENDS
Lauren and Heidi now have the biggest feud since Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. Heidi and Spencer apparently thought it would be fun spilling some news to Perez Hilton about Lauren and Jason allegedly having a sex tape and apparently EV. RE. WUN. was talking about it.

Audrina and Lauren become besties and roommates, and then Lo from Laguna Beach decides to show up. The three rent a house and make Audrina live in the GUESTHOUSE, and then are bewildered when she feels like an outsider. The brains on these gals, I tell ya.

Hey, and Lauren still goes to school! Stephanie Pratt, Spencer's sister, is in her class and they begin a star-crossed friendship. Why should they be friends? "Because they have fashion in common!" And probably because being on reality TV runs in the Pratt family.

THE JOBS
Speaking of promotions, Whitney, the only one who actually seems to take "workingk" seriously, got a full-time job at Teen Vogue, which promotes her to still "hangingk" out in the clothing closet but with a bigger desk and a producer feeding more leading lines to Lauren about her life and pretending to care about the answers. Heidi's new jobs include one of the boob persuasion, and a promotion at Bolthouse as a lead promoter. Clearly, Brent Bolthouse was looking for someone who would play solitaire all day and blab her personal life to her bored coworkers. Or, someone who would get Bolthouse some more airtime.

Lauren and Whitney get to go to Paris for the summer, which is a thrilling two-episode arc in which some production assistant burns Lauren's dress for the ball to create some drama because it turns out, the gals are just as dull in Paris. A paid French actor takes Lauren around to see the Eiffel Tower, eat baguettes and do some miming.

Whitney gets a new job at People's Revolution, headed by Kelly Cutrone, who has watched The Devil Wears Prada a few times too many. Lauren comes by to help out once, and based on her amazing ability to organize dresses by color on a clothesrack, is also offered a job. So sad, no more Teen Vogue West Coast Editor Lisa Love telling Lauren and Whitney when they screw up and watching the thought bubble above her head saying, "I agreed to hire these idiots?"

THE BOYS
Heidi and Spencer get engaged and then fight and fight. My TiVo forward button is worn down because of these two. Heidi creates the fourth wave of feminism when she flies to Vegas for a "big meeting" for her "job," but Spencer follows her and she leaves Vegas with him, and just abandons her boss at the meeting. Great role-modeling!

Audrina dates Justin Bobby, who thinks he is Colin Farrell and is usually high on something every time he is onscreen. Everyone hates him and he treats Audrina like crap. I am ashamed to say I find him attractive.

Lauren pals around with Brody Jenner and spends about two episodes declaring their undying friendship, and then has a meltdown when he holds hand with some girl at a club. I would have a tad bit more respect for Brody if he didn't have his own last name tattooed on his torso.

THE FASHION
Lauren and Heidi both "designed" clothes for their own fashion lines in real life, and certainly respresent their styles and personalities. Heidiwood's pink corset hoodie represents the woman power by reclaiming pink as the woman's color, and the corset feature represents how women have been long oppressed and they need to break free from their corset of the male oppression. Lauren's line, on the other hand, is overpriced and bland. Which perfectly encapsulates the gals on The Hills, dontcha think?

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