Prologue: Holly, Heidi, and Spencer in the House That A Reality Show Paycheck Built. Heidi's hair looks like the hair of a Barbie -- big chunks of yellow polyester. Holly whines that she doesn't really know anyone else in LA (although she always sounds like she's whining, so it's hard to tell) and that the only other person she knows is Lauren. This episode just paid for itself by cutting to a shot of an evil Spencer glare at the mention of Lauren's name. He then stomps out the room and looks for his pacifier and blanky.

Scene: People's Revolution. Whitney and Lauren are at work, and Whitney gets to talk about Lauren's crumbly muffin for five seconds before she is forced to ask Lauren about Audrina. Then Holly texts Lauren asking to hang out, and Lauren drags out the attention on her, saying she doesn't "want to cause ... [dramatic pause] ... more problems." Oh Lauren, we so know that you do. Where would you be if not acting out some junior high fantasy in front of cameras? Oh right, she has a book deal that she absolutely doesn't deserve.

Scene: Random LA hot spot. Audrina and Justin are out to dinner and he asks how things are going with her and gives her assurance about herself. Wow, Justin is much more pleasant when he is sober. Imagine that! He tells Audrina that their reconciliation is totally different than the tiff with her and Lauren. Folks, this is called foreshadowing. Or, more like a foreshadowing anvil.

Scene: Random LA lunch hot spot. Holly and Lauren meet for lunch. Holly misses her, and says they were like the "Three Musketeers." After they finish talking about Heidi and Spencer, they just stare at each other. Wow, these two are crazy when they get together! What a great friendship. Glad they have tons in common. Why must Lauren wear six inch heels with every outfit? Not cute.

Scene: Epic Records, or the office cubicle set they use to simulate it. Audrina gets called in by the boss to do a big assignment and told not to screw up. You know, like in real life, where a huge project is given to an underling and everyone just crosses their fingers and hopes it goes well. Ah, I miss the days where Lisa Love did this at Teen Vogue and cut Lauren down. Audrina's mission is to promote the White Tie Affair, a band that has lost all their credibility already by appearing on this show. She later asks Lauren if she's heard of them, and Lauren assuredly says, "yes." I call BS!

Scene: Hotel Roosevelt. The White Tie Affair try really hard, but they just seem to sweat and flail their arms a lot. Lauren and Lo show up looking like they've never heard of seeing a band play; they are decked out in Chanel. Justin is nowhere to be seen, and Audrina bites her lip. At the after party, Stephanie chats up a band member who looks about fifteen and she pretends to be scandalized by his body piercings. She tells him she secretly had her tongue pierced once. Really Steph, was that when you were an addict? Please share. Anything to relieve us from the monotony.

Audrina talks to her co-worker Chiara and her ill-styled bangs and tells her that she is disappointed in Justin. She talks about how Justin needs to make a decision and commit or not. Oh, for Pete's sake. Now we are repeating this storyline for the 13th time.

Holly tells Heidi about her lunch date with Lauren, and I am distracted by Heidi's beret and big hoop earring and unnaturally yellow hair. Looks like she was attacked by the bargain bin at Claire's. Heidi is pissed but Holly assures her that she is most loyal to her sister.

Scene: At "computer class." Lauren talks about, for what seems like the 40th time, her lunch with Holly. Ah, some clever editors, probably banging their heads over what to do with the horrible footage they have to deal with, tried to be clever and inter-cut Lauren and Stephanie's conversation with Heidi and her contractually-obligated-to-be-interested co-worker Kimberly. Heidi also says that she, Holly and Lauren used to be "The Three Musketeers" (seriously, who says that with a straight face?). Heidi mentions that they had been best friends for years and years. It's sad that I know this, but from what I remember, they were friends from right after Lauren graduated high school up until the first season of The Hills. So, two years? Kind of a blip in the life of a reality TV star.

I would assume that the producers of The Hills would like us to think that this show chronicles the lives of glamorous twenty-somethings in LA, but my non-glamorous self actually feels better about my own life after watching this.

* I actually do work at my job and feel like I accomplish something. Not saying my day job solves world hunger, but at least I feel productive. I also use my expertise to work through things, and not sit around chatting until my boss calls me into his office with some big assignment and then I screw it up.

* When I go out "on the town," and I will tell you that is a rare occasion, I do this thing called "having fun with my friends." We laugh and chat about silly stuff, and enjoy each other's company -- not talk about who doesn't like whom. When someone I don't like comes in, I don't flee the place in order to make a statement.

* In general, most of my conversations revolve around my interests, the conversation partner's interests, current events, observational humor, or proactively helping someone with a problem. Not talking about our relationship and who hates whom and who who did what to whom. Well, sometimes we do, but, when that is over, we have other things left to talk about, instead of just staring at each other while the latest hit plays over the soundtrack.

So, thank you, The Hills, you have shown me that my life is not as bad as I previously thought. So that's the purpose of this show being on the air!

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