With Lauren's announcement that this is her last season of The Hills, many have spent a sleepless night worrying about the fate of the show. Well, MTV producers, are you listening? I have a pitch. Team up Spencer and Kelly Cutrone, have them wander around L.A. and shoot insults at people. You think I'm kidding? I would put that on a season pass on my TiVo and skyrocket it in priority.

See pictures of Lauren Conrad

Stephanie barges in on Spencer looking like ... someone wearing a maternity dress from 1964. She can't wait to tell Spencer about a text she got from Heidi telling her that she ran into her high school sweetheart, Colby. Stephanie is such an instigator. I'll bet she can't spell that.

Spencer asks if she parked her train outside to go with her conductor's cap. I think Spencer could write these recaps better than I could. I think that Spencer and Heidi fight and make up more than Elizabeth Wakefield and Todd Wilkins. Heidi is back from Crested Butte and Spencer greets her in the house while she is packing and in under 30 seconds manages to insult her mother, call her a liar, demean her, and make her feel like the fight is her fault. Now that's talent. Spencer leaves with douchebag of the year, Charlie, to hang out at the new club "H-Wood" (creative, no?) with bartender Stacie and her two cylon clone friends. Spencer declares his approval of the club: "This place is just like my living room, without the headache!"

Elsewhere, Heidi and Stephanie wonders where Spencer may be, and decide to scour every club until they find him (or have the producers drive them there for filming). They come in, and Heidi runs up and has the same screeching conversation with Spencer that's she had about five times each season. Being empowering women that they are, Stephanie and Stacie let the "slut" and whore" comments fly. Stephanie says Stacie needs to "put on some pants" and Spencer apologizes saying, "Excuse my sister, she's not housebroken." Oh Spence, let me just have a minute where I believe that you come up with these clever quips yourself and a producer doesn't hand them to you.

Later, Stephanie suggests that Heidi make Spencer go to therapy with her. Oh please please please don't show us that on camera. This show is already an insult to humans, please don't also let it be an insult to the counseling profession. Heidi shows up at a cafe the next day to meet Spencer, and he tries his Jedi mind tricks on Heidi, trying to blame her for everything, and Heidi grows a tiny backbone and gives Spencer an ultimatum saying that if he loves her and wants to keep her, he'll go to therapy with her or else she's done and out of her life. The waiter comes over and asks if they'd like anything else, and Heidi replies, "No that's it, we're done here." WOW IS THAT A METAPHOR? Epic win, writers. Heidi goes teetering off in her 16 inch heels. Also, I'm pretty sure her bag costs $6,000.

See pictures of Whitney Port

The B-plot is about career girls! At People's Rev, Kelly Cutrone interrupts Lauren's staged working to call her up to her loft office. Lauren is still quite scared of Kelly, and it's funny. Kelly asks if Lauren's shirt is from one of their designers and Lauren says no. Crickets ... crickets ... Kelly suddenly decides she needs to hire an intern since Whitney left. Nice to know that Whitney's job was so essential that an intern could cover it. I hope so. Later, Lauren and Stephanie have lunch at Tart (seriously, this show writes itself) and Lauren tells Steph she can get her an interview. Lauren tells her that it's good to have several internships during her time at school. Yeah, because nothing says dependability like changing jobs every six months. And thus, we have the world's worst interview, even worse than Heidi's original interview at Bolthouse where she complained about having to work full-time.

Stephanie decides not to wash her hair and wear the shortest skirt possible, and to bring a paper copy of her resume folded in an envelope. I wonder if her part on this show is included. She goes up to Kelly's office and immediately proclaims that she's nervous. Kelly, smelling her fear, is having a great time with this and looks at her resume, stating that she usually doesn't look at resumes (that's right, she only hires people with camera crews following them) but she'll look at Stephanie's. Apparently, Steph's ultimate goal is to have a handbag line. "So you are going to use my clients and my experience to launch your own line?" Ha! Stephanie's response: "Sorry, I'm terrified!"

Kelly asks Stephanie if she's taken computer classes at FIDM which is funny because that seems to be the only class we've ever seen her in. Maybe Kelly is mocking that. I hope. Kelly asks her if she knows how to make labels and Stephanie asks, "like the sticky ones?" Later, Kelly comes down to mock Stephanie with Lauren, but Lauren has no sense of humor and defends Stephanie and tells her that Stephanie thought the objective part meant "like, her ultimate objective in life." Yeah, following in Monica Lewinsky's footsteps is an awesome objective. Kelly, realizing Lauren is not taking the gossip bait, tells her that Stephanie is going to report to her, so if Stephanie screws up, Lauren has to fire her. Wow! Having to supervise a friend? There's no way that could be dramatic. Oh wait ...

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