One of the most entertaining parts of The Hills, for me, is the edited random shots of LA that set the mood. Girls in miniskirts! Cut to palm trees! Traffic! A dog peeing! Ethnic people!

Doug is about to get dumped. Well, it was fun while it lasted. And by fun I mean bland. But how sad! We were just getting to know him through his website! How will we ever know more about your "strikingly handsome, athletic, and intelligent" persona?

I have a couple of theories about the Doug breakup. I think it wasn't working, but Lauren wanting to look like she had the power so they went back and filmed some "damage control" episodes where Lauren picks at her nail polish, pulls her extensions and waxes theoretical about her relationship with Doug to anyone who is contractually obligated to listen. Including Brody, who asks about her bracelets, which Lauren tells him are her "sparklies" and her "friendships," then leads into talking about Lauren's life. Lauren, who probably thinks she is being alluring and mysterious, tells him that her type is someone "she already dated." Brody wants to know, "Can we talk about us getting naked?" and they crack up. It cracks me up a little bit too, because I think of Brody's name tattoo on his torso. What a tool.

In other news, Whitney gets a plot line! She jet-sets to New York. We know it's New York because the editors give us the different scenery shots. Taxicabs! Statue of Liberty! People pushing clothes racks down the street! Hot dogs! Other shallow representations of New York!

Kelly Cutrone's meth-controlled fashion empire (does anyone actually understand what People's Revolution does?) is doing a casting call for male models. It looks like they commissioned a Modelbot 2008 to play Alex, the male model-who-shall-be-a-love-interest for Whitney. Kelly plays pimp and asks the robot questions. He went to USC and so did Whitney! True love, indeed. Kelly says they are all going out later, and that Alex should program himself to be there as well.

Shock of all shocks, Kelly is not coming! It's just Modelbot and Whitney. They wander around the rough streets of Soho and "Alex" tells her about New York, and his previously programmed microchip has him recite facts about New York, and how fashion is a way of life. Then we get to the awkward moment where Whitney is back at the entrance of her hotel, and then the "Modelbot Hug!Engage!" command is given and he gives her the I-didn't-have-too-much-fun-but-I-said-I-did awkward hug. Well done Modelbot, mission complete.

In case you missed that whole scene, don't you worry, because what happens next is a trademark Hills moment. Whitney gives Lauren a replay of the exact scene that happened the day before. In case we are complete idiots. Or a producer has to fill up 23 minutes of airtime. Meanwhile, Lauren still manages to turn the conversation to her situation with Doug. She's getting tips from Tyra on how to talk to people.

We only get a brief scene with Heidi this episode, probably because she's busy promoting her amaaaaaaaazing music video. What's the topic of conversation for the young lovers as they are out to dinner? Lauren, of course. Spencer claims that Stephanie and Lauren are hanging out because they want to annoy him. How modest. I think the chicken he ordered decided to have bones in it to annoy him. Or maybe the air has carbon dioxide just so Spencer will have to exhale it. Do you think these two even know each other's middle names?

Lauren goes over to Stephanie's to embark on the beautiful friendship that Stephanie gave up her brother's love for. They have a scintillating conversation about the differences between guinea pigs and hamsters. Yes, you read that correctly, this was worth all the fighting.

Lauren goes to Doug's ridiculously expensive house in LA to break up with him. At first he is pretty pissed because he didn't see it coming! Secondly, his website is still under construction! He can't leave the show now! He starts to berate Lauren about how good a boyfriend he was, which Doug, is wow, way to force her into dating you. Suddenly he is all smiles about it and still showers compliments on her. Dammit, Lauren always wins!

Stephanie arrives at Spencer's to make a peace offering. He takes time off from wasting oxygen and sucking the life out of his trust fund to be rude to Stephanie. She gets him a book about the CIA. He's so distracted wondering about how to open it that he momentarily forgives Stephanie.

So, Stephanie is still caught between Lauren and Spencer/Heidi, Lauren is still pining for Brody, no one talks about anything but Lauren's life. Wow, it's like we're back in Season 2 and have to relive it all over again. Oh, thrill.

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