With the opening of baseball season, I'm viewing everything as a competition, including The Hills. Let's keep score, shall we?

Hey there, it's our old friends. The role of Stephanie Pratt will be played by Stephanie Pratt. The role of Heidi Montag will be played by a Bratz doll. Steph's face is at puffiness level 4 today. We'll see how it changes in the next scene. She happens to mention Lauren's surprise birthday party, which is on a yacht. Because it's a recession y'all, they are downsizing from a private island.

See pictures of Lauren Conrad

New opening credits! The editors decided to find all the shots of the gals making the dumbest faces. Including one of Heidi letting her jaw drop until it practically unhinges. Looks like she's about to ... never mind.

Heidi is picking out an outfit to wear to the party with Stephanie. They keep it on the DL since they don't want Spencer to know where they are going. They tell him it's a girls night out. He asks, will the "Queen ... Biatch" be there? Spencer, ftw! Spencer: 1 Lauren: 0

Meanwhile, the Queen B ... I mean Lauren is being led to the yacht blindfolded. Brody and Frankie and a couple dozen hired extras yell "Surprise!" and Lauren recoils in shock. Yeah, I'd also be scared of 40 strangers pretending to be my friends. Heidi shows up and makes a runway entrance in a sparkly frock. Lo and Audrina run out of things to talk about so they talk about how much drama this will cause. Because they are all about no drama! Lauren wanders up to Lo and Steph and snottily asks, "So who invited Heidi?" Stephanie makes up an excuse but Lauren's not having it. No drama on her birthday. Seems that drama is winning out. Drama: 1 Lauren: 0

Lo goes and debriefs with Heidi and again, we hear about how they used to be friends, but something got in the way, blah blah. Wow, this seems like a fun party. My office's Valentine's Day lunch potluck was more of a party than this.

Back in L.A. proper, at a bar called The Dime, Spencer sits with his friend Charlie. He starts to flirt with the bartender, Stacie, who will probably have her own spinoff show in two weeks. Conveniently, Cameron, Stephanie's ex-boyfriend rolls up with some his friends. Cameron texts Stephanie, "Spencer is flirting with the bartender - WTF!?" who tells Heidi, who immediately calls Spencer. Oh, the wonders of modern technology. Spencer goes to confront Cameron, and Cameron's friend, who is probably the only person of color ever to have a speaking line on this show, says "Hey, where's the wifey?" I guess he has basic cable. Spencer tells Cameron "This just got real, dawg" and taunts him to punch him first so he can take a swing. However, Spencer takes the first punch. They must have great stunt training on this show, because it looked real and Cameron is actually bleeding. I don't condone violence, but fair is fair: Spencer: 2 Cameron: 0

Heidi has a conniption at the party and says "I want to leave, I want to leave." I'd love to see Heidi swim to shore. Lauren, who realizes that she is not the center of the drama, goes to find Heidi to have a care-frontation. Heidi is shaking. That's what happens when you have all that makeup seeping into your skin. Lauren makes it about her and talks again how she loves Heidi but Spencer is an *sshole. Heidi starts crying, and not to be outdone, Lauren imagines the closing of her fashion line and manages to conjure up some tears. I'd say Heidi has a better cry; she's using the scrunch-face technique, but Lauren does manage to scrounge up her trademark, a mascara tear. I'm forced to call the cry-off a draw. Lauren: 1 Heidi: 1

On to part 2 of the season opener, which I truly believe might be the result of editing together many clips from previous seasons. Spencer drops by Stephanie's place, who is at a puffiness level 7 today, and berates her about taking Heidi to Lauren's party and then telling Heidi about Cameron's texts. Spencer is at his most abusive and manipulative, which for some reason is comforting. I always find the predictable to be comforting in this world of chaos. Spencer tells her she is no sister of his anymore. Steph does not look too upset as Spencer storms out, since she just signed her contract guaranteeing her appearances in two more seasons. She's really hoping for Whitney's spot in the credits. Spencer: 3 Stephanie: 0

Lo, Lauren, and Audrina are debriefing at the L&L house. Lo comes down from sleeping with salon-straightened hair. They ask Lauren how she enjoyed her party, and she replies, "It was on a boat, how would you feel about it? I guess it was a good idea in theory." And complains that Heidi was there, which created drama for her. Wow, what a great friend. Never mind the time they took to set it up (i.e. the producers did it) and the presents she got (I remember seeing a Chanel bag). Lo/Audrina: 1 Lauren: 0 Drama: 2

Heidi does some recon at The Dime to investigate said-flirted-with-bartendress. (I just looked up the place on Yelp, and the first comment I saw said, "Mostly a bunch of d-bags off one too many carbombs." Ha! Were they there when Spencer was there?) She talks to Stacie, who suddenly sounds much smarter and articulate, about what happened. Stacie talks about how he asked her to dance on the bar, and says she wouldn't want HER boyfriend to act like that. Heidi is baffled and Stacie says, "Yeah, good luck with that." Stacie: 1 Heidi: 0

Spencer is sitting at home doing his job (being Spencer and sitting at home) and Heidi comes in to confront him and this is a different Heidi and tells him, "How dare you disrespect me!" Spencer, the master manipulator, manages to blame it on Heidi by saying that he is with her 24/7 and he never gets to talk with other women so he was itching to do some flirting. Heidi does her usual thing when she and Spencer fight: jet off to Crested Butte, Colorado. What is this, Season 3?

We see Spencer out again with his friend Charlie back at The Dime flirting with Stacie. Doesn't she have other customers? Brody and Lauren meet up for drinks at Hotel Avalon, and Lauren quips "the only people [Spencer and Heidi] have to turn to are the ones that they burned." Lauren is unbearable this season already. Doesn't she know the meaning of protagonist?

Unfortunately, Spencer takes the title on this one, followed by a close second by Drama and then by Lauren. Would we expect anything different?

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