Excerpts from the blog of a Production Assistant on The Hills:

6:18am: Went to Fashion Institute of Design & Marketing to get permission to film during a class. They offered us an empty classroom and I paid some janitor to talk about a powerpoint slide we put up front to look like a class. Three hours of running around so that Stephanie can invite Lauren to her birthday party.

10:18am: Set up shot where Lauren will meet her new boy toy, Doug. He was three hours late because he needed every piece of hair frosted. In a rare slip-up, they started having a conversation about their lives when I had to wave my hands furiously behind Lauren until the himbo got the hint and asked Lauren about Audrina and Lo, like his contract demanded.

11:33am: I had to run across town to Epic Records to record Audrina talking to her co-worker about Stephanie's birthday party. We had to film it about ten times, because Audrina couldn't pronounce the word "birthday" or "Lo".

1:10pm: Over to People's Revolution. I always feel bad when we film over here, because Whitney is always trying to, I don't know, what's the word? DO HER JOB? Poor Whitney keeps thinking about how she's going to have to come in over the weekend as Lauren blabs away about Stephanie's party and how Lo and Audrina keep fighting over her. To help out Whit, I yell "Whitney! I need you!" in my best Kelly Cutrone impersonation in hopes that it gets her off the hook.

3:10pm: Damn, I never got a lunch break. We head over to Don Antonio's Mexican restaurant to check in on Heidi and Spencer. We do gratuitous shots of the tacos that these idiots don't even eat. It was torture. I'm off camera making cell phone beeping noises to pretend that Spencer gets a text message. "Ah," he and his flesh-colored beard sneer, "it's Stephanie making sure we will be at her birthday."

5:45pm: At dinner with the folks from People's Revolution. Kelly Cutrone insists I rent her a copy of The Devil Wears Prada beforehand, and won't tell me why. Kelly spends the dinner talking incoherently and after the cameras stop she runs around the room screaming at her employees to make origami supermodels out of their dinner napkins. I do not get paid enough to do this.

9:30pm: At The House that Roommate Tension Built, waiting for Lauren and Lo to get ready and decide what to wear. Lo finally settles on the new look of the season, a Jetsons housewife.

11:52pm: At Stephanie's birthday at Boulevard Three nightclub. My third-grade birthday party at Pizza Hut was more exciting than this. Lauren and Lo talk for about 20 minutes about how they are so glad there is no drama, and then Spencer and Heidi arrive. We do the entrance about seven times, because Heidi kept insisting that she looked fat on each take. Lauren and Lo leave the club, and for some reason, the entire club bursts into relieved applause. We had to dub it over with yet another Ashlee Simpson song.

Next day, 10:02am: Back to People's Revolution. Kelly calls Whitney up to her office of doom, and it took three boom mike operators to convince her that no, Kelly will not throw her off the edge of her loft office. Kelly gives Whitney a promotion and that she will be spending half her time in New York. I come back with napkins to clean up the puddle of urine around Whitney's feet. I also suggest that she may want to get "packingk".

11:47am: Stephanie's condo. Spencer drops by to say he's never speaking to her again if she continues to hang out with Lauren. After we yell "cut," his agent suggests we do it again but he spits on Stephanie's face. We all consider it for a while until Stephanie's agent comes over and brings over Stephanie's "no bodily fluid" clause she has in her contract. Finally, we call it a wrap.

2:30pm: I finally get home from work, sit in a corner and rock back and forth. I begin wondering how my film degree from USC got me here and cursing myself for not taking the job on Greatest American Dog.

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