I am sure I don't need to get you up to speed on last week's Bachelorette shenanigans, in which Jillian Harris shares her tale of woe about how she was heartbroken by Jason Mesnick, about how she's kooky and Kanadian, and looking for her husband and her best friend.

This week, the "dating" begins. Jillian has eliminated her harem to 20 guys, and at this point there is no way you can expect me to tell who is who and remember their names, unless they have some outstanding freakish character flaw. The only ones I can call out by name are Dave, because he has cold, dead eyes and spends most of the show getting his Calvins in a bunch over the annoying things the other men do. There's Wes, who caught my eye because he has multiple tattoos (now you know my weakness) and is pegged as trying to promote his own music career instead of meeting his true love. He is also the first one to deliver the now classic reality show line, "I'm not here [to make friends with the other contestants], I'm here to [win whatever the goal of the show is]," which is the international sign for justifying your anti-social actions to TV viewers. The rest of the bachelors look like last-place contestants in B-list celebrity lookalike contests. I spy a Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Sean William Scott, and a Sylvester Stallone, among others.

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The guys have just moved into the bunkhouse, where they will sleep in single beds placed about six inches from each other and with group showers. This is an insurance policy for the producers in case Jillian does not take; maybe a romance between the guys will come out of this? I'd like to live in a world where ABC would air that. I digress.

Jillian gets a chance to show off her bikini bod by inviting the guys to a pool party. There's the rose boutonniere of doom looming from the table. Jillian picks up the flower and saunters off to her Mini Cooper and takes off, thus creating a huge, expensive way to set up the pun that the guys need to join the "race for Jillian's heart." The first group date is a scavenger hunt through the street of Los Angeles to find out where Jillian is, which is in fact a large bank vault (huh?) where she is waiting to have dinner with one of them. Because there is nothing more riveting than watching people in L.A. traffic. I'm surprised we don't have a reality show about that yet. Mike Fleiss, don't steal my idea.

Brad and Wes get there first, and Brad is technically the one that got them there, but she picks Wes because he's the better-looking one. Really Jillian? You could have saved time and a carbon footprint if you had just lined the guys up and picked the one that tickled your fancy. Wes and Jillian have a non-eventful dinner and she gives him a rose. I do feel bad for Brad, who did actually do all the work, and ... not to say he's unattractive, but you just know the producers will never let him be the winner.

Next, Jake gets a single date with Jillian, because the producers decided it to be so. He preens and flexes as if he earned this date as some sort of reward for being an ultra stud. Jake, by the way, was manufactured in a genetic laboratory by combining Men's Health, the International Male Catalog, romance novels, and Axe Deodorant. As they take off on their date with Jillian behind the wheel, Jakebot asks Jillian if she's a good driver, and Jillian rolls her eyes and says "Come on, I'm a girl." She realizes how offensive that sounded and corrects herself: "I mean, I'm a woman driver, so of course I don't drive well." Jillian and Jake's date is a montage of cliched dates from reality shows past. They try on cowboy gear together and then enter an empty bar where Jillian dances on the bar and Jakebot looks up her skirt. Finally, they sit down to dinner where Jillian talks very fast about what she's looking for, blah blah, she wants a best friend. Drinking game idea: Drink anytime Jillian says "best friend," screeches, or says "aboot." Suddenly, Martina McBride comes out and gives a performance just for them, much like Robin Thicke did for her and Jason. I guess Martina got rejected from performing on the American Idol finale so this was the consolation prize. To the surprise of no one, Jakebot gets a rose.

The next group date involves the guys traveling to Venice Beach to shoot hoops. But there's a catch! They are playing against the Harlem Globetrotters! Hilarity ensues! Jillian screeches some more and is a cautionary tale that women shouldn't play sports. She lets The Globetrotters decide who the most worthy guy for Jillian is, and it's beady-eyed Dave. I can just see the vows at the wedding: "I knew I was meant to be with you when the Harlem Globetrotters picked you after interacting with you for 30 minutes." Later, on the beach, Mike decides he needs to "step up his game" (add that to your drinking game list) so he runs into the ocean with his Speedo on. This act of chivalry earns him a rose. To the surprise of no one, Dave is angry about this. Dave is really worked up about fellow bachelor Juan, who he thinks is fake to everyone and is just out to impress Jillian (the actual goal of the show -- HOW DARE HE), and also poured out his shot before he drank it. Dave's beady eyes pop out of his head and proclaims that Juan should be tied to a tree and beat up. Yea, lynching references really do it for Jillian.

To fill up hour 2 of the show, we have the requisite "cocktail party" where the guys get a last chance to impress Jillian. In order to stir up enough footage to fill a two-hour show, and for Chris Harrison to keep his SAG card, Chris brings out the box of doom where the guys get to vote for the guy they most want to leave. This will help inform Jillian about who is "real" and who is not. The voices in Dave's head go berserk, allowing him to pop out his eyes and proclaim his anger for whomever his target is. Some guys freak out, proclaiming it's really hard. Reid, who looks straight out of a prep school brochure, needs some quiet time to think about it. Jillian joins him, but Wes interrupts her, despite having a rose. He's this season's Molly! Some other guys makes her a drink to impress her. Many of the guys sit around and gossip about the others. Or, in other words, the money shot of reality shows.

In a last ditch-effort, Brian, who lost the Jeff Goldblum lookalike contest, strips and jumps in the pool naked. Brian's efforts went unrewarded, and he is sent home along with Julian (Sylvester Stallone), Mathue (Seann William Scott) and the British guy, Simon. Ed (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), despite never uttering a line this show, gets a rose. Dead-Eyed Dave gets a rose, much to the relief of the voice in his head and the security on set. The last rose is given to Brad, probably to make him get really nervous and awkward during the elimination ceremony. Mission accomplished. It's too early to call, and I can barely tell them all apart, but I am going to call Jake as the winner. And mind you, the term "winner" is all relative when it comes to this show.

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