The Bachelor: Overnight Dates, a play in one act

Jason Mesnick: [on the porch of a houseboat, staring blankly into the Pacific] Woe is me! I have three lovely girls to choose from, and I don't know which one to choose and which one to humiliate on TV by sending her home. Let me reminisce about each one through some well-edited clips from past shows.

[Various clips of meeting the women, making out, and talking from the mere six hours he's actually spent with all the women.]

Emails Between Jason and Melissa Leaked!

Scene 1: New Zealand, a cliff.

JILLIAN: Oh my gosh Jason! Look! I've worked on my run, hug and jump! Check it out!

JASON: Let's go on the standard Bachelor date, a helicopter ride! It's a great date for me, because I don't have to think of anything real to say, I can just oooh and aaah at the scenery.

Jillian: [on the helicopter] Ooooooh! Ahhhhh! I love talking aboot this scenery! I'm Canadian!

Melissa Rycroft Talks To Ellen DeGeneres!

Scene 2: A cliff overlooking mountains

JASON: This is a great place! There's no one else around!

[Various producers and crew members present roll their eyes]

JILLIAN: Look, I can talk in metaphors! We are on a cliff! It's just like falling in love! When meeting someone you are at the edge of a cliff, and you are scared to fall in love with them, but you just have to face it and do it!

JASON: You mean we have to jump off this cliff?

JILLIAN: No, silly. But let's talk more aboot me. How would you describe me to your friends?

JASON: Well--

JILLIAN: Well, here's how I would! I want my husband to be my best friend! That's so important! Something about my grandma, something something, blah blah ...

JASON: I have no idea what you are talking about. I am just going to sit here and smile. And maybe kiss you to make you stop talking.

See previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes

Scene 2: A winery in New Zealand

JILLIAN: [enters wearing a dress with glittery accents on her chest and crotch regions] Hey Jason! I think this may be the same winery we filmed at last time, but let's pretend we are in New Zealand!

JASON: I really have nothing to say after I mention how beautiful this place is, so I'll just let you babble on and on.

[five minutes later]

Melissa Rycroft Joins Dancing With the Stars!

JASON: Okay, I'm getting a headache. Time to pull out the fantasy suite invitation from Chris Harrison. I am not sure why he has to be the one to initiate us sleeping together, but I just do what I am told.

CHRIS HARRISON: [in a voiceover as they read the letter] Dear Jason and Jillian, Here is a key to the fantasy suite if you should forego your individual rooms. Not sure why it is called a fantasy suite -- is Jason really the fantasy? Well, my fantasy is to have a job as a real journalist, but hey, this gig pays the bills and it looks like we're gonna have about 10 more seasons of these shenanigans. What? Oh, sorry. So basically, will you put out or not?

JILLIAN: Of course! Let's go!

Bachelor creator throws Jason under the bus!

JASON: Wait, first we have to romp in this hot tub. [Cue very softcore porn music. Jillian and Jason make out for about 10 minutes longer than the audience can stand watching. Jillian grabs his behind. The stage fades to black.]

Scene 3: Another random cliff in New Zealand.

MOLLY: Hey Jason! I have to pretend that I am super bubbly like Melissa and Jillian! Let me run to meet you!

JASON: Today we are going bungee jumping! Because maybe the adrenaline it causes will simulate actual attraction!

MOLLY: Great! I can also pull lots of metaphors for this ... hmmm, let's see ... this is so GROUNDBREAKING! Like our relationship! Love is like STANDING ON A LEDGE! And you creep up to the edge and wonder if you should TAKE THE PLUNGE into falling in love! Today I am taking a LEAP OF FAITH with you, Jason!

Meet Jason Mesnick's ex-wife Hilary here

Scene 4: Molly and Jason have lunch

MOLLY: The producers tell me I'm a bit bland and you usually don't have anything to say, so they suggested I actually write down questions to ask you. What's your favorite ice cream? How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? What's your favorite color?

JASON: Phew! These are easy to answer. Also, very relevant when I am looking for a woman to help me be responsible for the welfare of my son.

Scene 5: Same winery, maybe New Zealand?

MOLLY: Hmmm, I have nothing to say.

[pause pause pause pause]

JASON: Hey, me neither. Hey, I know! I'll ask her about her family. Nothing puts a gal in the mood more than talking about her parents! Molly, I noticed that your parents sat three inches away from each other on the couch. That bothers me and will determine whether I will marry you or not.

MOLLY: Er, um ... okay. Yes, I enjoy my family but we don't have to swap spit every five seconds.

JASON: Well, I'm, affectionate, so I would expect to swap spit with your family.

MOLLY: I'm going to change the subject and tell Jason I'm in love with him. Only in a very monotone way.

JASON: That's what I like to hear. Is it time to kiss her now?

MOLLY: I have one final question for you -- will you spend the night with me? Look, I'm a a modern gal who is not afraid to go for what she wants, even in the bedroom!

CHRIS: DAMN YOU MOLLY! I was supposed to ask that!

JASON: Yes, let's go, I've run out of things to say.

Scene 6: A dock in New Zealand

MELISSA: Look Jason, I have the best "run and hug" out of all the girls! I can even wrap my legs around you! I'm perky!

JASON: I have the most romantic date planned for us! We are going to go on Winston Churchill's boat.

MELISSA: Yea, nothing turns on a gal more than Winston Churchill.

Scene 7: Yet another hot tub

MELISSA: I'm so scared about this whole situation! I'm scared of love! I figure playing "girl who is scared to be in love but shall overcome" is a good strategy.

JASON: I'm in a hot tub with you while we are both scantily clad, but I want to talk about your parents.

MELISSA: I am not sure why they are not supporting me through this! Who wouldn't want to be on this amazing show and air their personal lives to the world?

Scene 8: Dinner

MELISSA: This is hard to say for me, because I am the girl who is scared to say it: but I'm falling in love with you!

JASON: Well, there is something I have for you. It's a note asking--

MELISSA: YES! Let's spend the night together!

CHRIS: GOSH DARNIT MELISSA! Would you please let him read the letter I wrote? It's like the only thing I contribute to this show, so let me at least have that!

[Melissa and Jason start to kiss on a bed that is conveniently by a window where a camera is set up.]

Scene 9: At Jason's suite.

CHRIS: We have to fill about 20 minutes to make the show two hours, so let's recap everything. I'll just nod at everything you say and pretend I am really into this, although I know whomever you choose will never last.

[Jason talks about everything we just saw and talks about how this is the hardest decision of his life.]

Scene 10: The rose ceremony in front of which looks like a painting of New Zealand and is not actually New Zealand.

CHRIS: Since there are only two roses, I'm not needed to announce the final rose. I am going back to curling up in the fetal position and watching bad TV in my hotel room.

[Melissa is called first. Jillian and Molly bite their lips. Molly is called.]

JASON: Jillian, I am so sorry. I really care for you, but your life is just too adventorous for me. In case you didn't know, I'm a single dad!

JILLIAN: I had a dream last night that I was with Ty and he wanted to wear my high heels. I put them on him and then we all came downstairs and saw you and jumped on you on the couch and then suddenly all took a nap together on the couch.

JASON: Yikes, I'm kind of glad I made this decision. Please don't ever come within 100 feet of my son. Let me walk you to the limo of shame.

[Jason watches the limo pull away and tries to muster up a few tears.]

JASON: [to Melissa and Molly] I am glad you are both here with me. And I promise, one of you will be my wife. Aren't those the words any woman would want to hear before a proposal?

[Curtain closes.]

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