One could call The Bachelor a total farce. If not for the edited-for-television idea of falling in love, but for the fact that in the past 13 seasons, no couple that has gotten engaged on the show have ever stayed together more than a few weeks after the show. Yes, yes, I know about Trista and Ryan and their obnoxious televised wedding and their babies, but let's chalk that up to a freak accident.

I'm surprised they can even go on with another season with a straight face, but you have to remember that we have this show to thank for the countless imitations, all of your Flavor of the Rock of Love Joe Millionaire Bromance shows. So, thank you, Bachelor, for endowing us with that essential cultural artifact. And making me embarrassed to be a heterosexual woman.

The obligatory recap! DeAnna the Southern Greek had a bevy of suitors; Jason was one of the last two. He had no discernible personality except that he had a son and did not engage in snowboarding, as the chosen one Jesse did. Jason was gaga for DeAnna and America saw his rejected marriage proposal. Never fear! He still believes in love! He believes it's still out there for him! And what better way to find it than to appear on the show that has had a record of never ending in a successful relationship. And allows ratings-hungry producers to cast the brothel of potential wives.

And then there's Jason. Of course I want to make fun of him but he's kind of innocent, if not a little too earnest. The big "catch" this season is that he has a son, Ty. And dammit, Ty is kind of cute, so it's hard to rag on him too. I am sure they will both reveal themselves as hateful as time goes on. It also seems that Jason's schtick is having Ty run to him really fast and he embraces him and tumbles to the ground. I think they show this about eight times. We see Jason working out and I am a bit startled by his bulging veins. Jason, keep your Brooks Brothers v-neck sweater on, you're scaring me.

I'm going to let you know up front that it's going to be a while before I'm able to discern the brothel babes from each other. Even though we get their names and occupation flashed on the screen, unless they have a gaping head wound they all look the same to me. We get a montage of introduction to the "girls." Yes, that's right, they are called ladies or girls. Never women. Why empower them at this point? We get a montage of the potential wives and wow, they've picked some winners. We see:

-A pert blond jumping on a bed [probably likes role play scenarios]
-Someone practicing a golf swing [probably learned to play golf because Cosmo told her it was a good place to meet guys]
-A dental hygienist with the fakest veneers ever, who declares herself a "tooth nazi" [Nothing like using an anti-Semitic concept for comedy when trying to woo a Jewish bachelor!]
-A Brazilian women who brought 32 pairs of shoes with her [soooo like a woman, right?]
-A sassy Canadian restaurant owner [probably would want to focus on her career -- next!]
-A stay at home mom [they let women with kids be on this show? One point for the women's movement!]
-A bubbly woman skipping through the woods complaining about living in Pennsylvania[what a hoot]
-A former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader [cheerleaders always get the guy, right?]
-A pageant queen polishing a table in her sash and crown [she may enter Ty in child beauty pageants]
-An emaciated woman who makes "vision boards" out of words cut out from magazines [will easily make ransom notes when she kidnaps Ty in exchange for a rose]
-A wedding coordinator [How ironic! Someone who creates weddings for other people but still hasn't had her own! Someone should make a MOVIE about this!]
-A Marcia Cross impersonator who lost her husband in a plane crash; "Daddy took a plane ride to heaven" she tells her daughter. ["Mommy says weird things" I say.]
-A woman who handles "bitches with a slap" [I think she thought she was at a Real World casting call]
-A few other women who clearly did not have anything great about them and who are introduced in a group wearing their fancy/trashy evening wear.

Chris Harrison, our fearless host, comes out to have a chat with Jason, and also wonders how his journalism degree from Harvard led him to this. He does his best Tyra and tells Jason he's been quite unlucky in love. First, his divorce, and then the DeAnna dumpage on TV! Oy! They talk more about how Jason belieeeeves in love and how he feels being back on the show. Which he will ask about a thousand more times this episode and I'm sure in the season.

Jason waits outside for the limos o'ladies to pull up, mentally reminding himself to call all the people that beat him up in high school to watch him and his brothel. This takes up a big chunk of the two hours, and I will spare you and not cover each introduction. But it's like a runway show for Joyce Leslie and many of the girls look, as my mother would say in Yiddish, ongepatshket. The women know how to kick it up to awkward, for example: makes him guess her age, try to salsa dance with him, talk about their son right away, wear fake teeth. If this is love, I'll take a bag of Cheetos and reruns of The Family Guy.

After everyone arrives, Jason is thrown into the shrew pit and the shrews go in for the kill. We are treated to one woman dragging Jason off to a secluded area, saying three words, and then having another woman say with a giggle, "Can I steal him from you?" and drag him away. Jason is living out some penthouse fantasy, and the women are reliving some demented prom fantasy. Teeth girl creepily recites all the facts about him that she knows, Brazil tries to get him to dance again, someone writes him a poem, and Marcia Cross talks about her dead husband again. It's sad when I realize I have more game than these women.

We are promised a big surprise twist, which promises to be the most "awkward moment in Bachelor history." Isn't that a redundant statement? The gals have to vote for the woman they want to have sent home first. I think this may actually be something Chris Harrison threw in there because he was bored. The gals all kvetch about Melissa because she is (supposedly) the prettiest and a cheerleader. Again, these women are living out some crap prom fantasy. The most votes go to Megan, who has left a 14-year-old son at home to be on the show. But ha! The joke is on them because that means Megan automatically gets a rose. She calls the others "*ssholes" and you know what? I like Megan. I'd like to officially announce my endorsement of her for my pick.

The rose ceremony! The dramatic tension! The shots of the ladies biting their lips! Why is it that Chris Harrison always has to announce when there is only one rose left? They can all count. I think. True to Bachelor form, all the vaguely ethnic women are sent packing. The remaining 15 toast to their validation of being deemed attractive enough to be one of 15 women a man finds attractive.

This season onThe Brothel: women declare that they are falling in love, the words "journey" and "fairy tale" is thrown out ad nauseam, dun dun dun ... DeAnna is back and looking to Jason to be her second choice man! How will Jason ever get through this? How will Ty not get through this without having to have years of therapy?

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