Robin Hershkowitz,  Jan 21, 2009

It has become increasingly clear to me that Jason Mesnick is taking his appointment as The Bachelor quite seriously. Which means he may be one of the first bachelors whose actual motive is to find love.

The magic letters that can ring doorbells will determine who goes on group dates, one-on-one dates, and who will not. You know, just like typical courting rituals for most of us. First up is Stephanie, who I can't help but call Marcia Cross. Also, she needs to take a look at her outfit, remove three accessories and maybe she will look okay. Seriously, is that a dead muppet around her neck?

Marcia Cross and Jason go to the beach and she does a cartwheel and broods about how it's her daughter's birthday. All of a sudden, some producer lets Marcia Cross' daughter Sophia out of her holding pen and pushes her towards Stephanie. Stephanie runs into Sophia's arms and practically gives the kid a concussion. I know I shouldn't say anything mean about kids ... so I'm not going to comment on Sophie.

They take Sophia to Legoland, which they have closed down just for the date. Jason and Stephanie only talk to Sophia, who seems to be kind of weirded out by this whole thing. Jason comments that he and Stephanie have both had similar lives; Stephanie lost her husband in a plane crash, and Jason lost his wife to ... divorce. Really Jason, really? The difference for me is that your wife DIDN'T DIE IN A FIERY CRASH. As Sophia is leaving, Stephanie remembers to tell us that her husband took a "flight to heaven" and that the flight Sophia is taking may be a "flight to a new family." Stephanie needs a new phrase.

For the group challenge: The gals make plaster casts of their breasts to auction off for charity to benefit breast cancer. So, someone with breast cancer can have a plaster cast of a reality show contestant's bust? Call me heartless, but that doesn't seem to help much. Apparently the producers think this is Rock of Love, because it's an excuse for people to rub each other. The gals clamor to rub baby oil on Jason and then he wraps paper maiche on them. Lots of opportunity for Jason to touch and stare at breasts. I hope someone is videotaping this for Ty when he wants to know how Daddy met his new Mommy.

Jason still has a rose to give out, and decides that he is going to give it to the woman who opens up most to him. What about him? What else do we know about him except he's from Seattle and has a son? Is it is absolutely useless for me to try and point out every double standard in this show?

Next up is Natalie's solo date. Natalie is annoying everyone at the house by taking a long time to find something to wear, being materialistic and trying on her clothes. The producers attempt an homage to Pretty Woman by allowing her to wear million-dollar jewels, but I think Natalie wasn't even born when the movie was out. They limo around Vegas and they finally go to dinner and realize that without oohing and aahing over the Vegas strip, they have nothing to talk about. Jason asks Natalie if there is something about her that she wants him to know and it takes her a while. After the pause the best she can come up with is "I'm the cute, sporty girl who likes clothes … oh, and I like bears." Jason is just as baffled as you and me and asks "Koalas? Grizzlies?" "No, just bears in general." This dinner conversation is almost up there with Amber talking about Olive Garden with Andrew Firestone, a classic moment in Bachelor history.

Jason realizes Natalie is boring and her fake tan and cheap extensions don't really look good in the lighting of the club. He picks up the rose and compliments her but then does the "but...." and tells Natalie she maybe just not is ready to settle down. Natalie practically begs Jason to tell her how to change herself but Jason gets increasingly awkward and leaves. At this point I feel kind of bad for Jason, because he just looks really tired and probably wants to get the show over with.

Because the producers are realizing that there was not enough women cutting each other down with internalized sexism, they force Jason to ask the gals if they want to clear the air about anything before he starts giving out the roses. Erica says that she is surprised because she thought everyone got along. Shut up shut up shut up Megan, don't say anything, it's a trap! Megan finally says that she is concerned because the others have been talking to Jason about her, and she thinks that's weak because when she and Jason talk, it's about her and Jason. Lauren calls her out by saying that she made catty remarks about Natalie. It kind of goes incoherent from there, and realizing that she needs more attention, Shannon and her veneers go to the bathroom to puke. Lucky for us, she is still miked. She talks about how all the drama just gets her so sick. Really Shannon? That was too dramatic for you? Try working in, I don't know, every office in America. Gossip and drama ten times worse than that happens before 10 a.m. where I work.

Rose ceremony. Everyone looks like they need to pee. Lauren gets a rose and I want to slap the smirk off of her. Jason keeps me on my toes for a bit when he calls Megan last. It's shocking, but not as shocking as next week's most! shocking! rose! ceremony! ever! TEAM MEGAN!