Previously on The Search for Ty's New Mommy, Jason started formulating a letter in his mind. "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me. I am in a house with 15 desperate, broken women who all are fighting over who gets to suck my lip." Let's just jump into the mess, shall we?

Two women get alone dates with him, some get a group date, and some get nada. Jillian, who I will remember as the Canadian one, goes to an abandoned theater where Robin Thicke (aka junior Jason Seaver) gives them a private performance. I don't know about you, but that would be pretty darn awkward for me. I mean, I'd have to look completely enthralled every moment, so the performer wouldn't be insulted. Jason and Canada dance like seventh graders, and kiss. Snore. Canada gets a rose.

Back at the house, the brothel is awaiting the arrival of the next date announcement. Wow! The note can ring the doorbell by itself! It declares that Jason will take Melissa to "new heights." I am sure that there is a sexual innuendo in there, but I'm too lazy to find it. The gals ask Jillian if she kissed Jason, and Melissa the cheerleader gets her panties in a bunch. Did she not know the premise of the show?

On their date, Jason shows Melissa to a bistro table set up on the beach. These seem to be cliche-themed dates. Melissa the cheerleader talks a mile a minute to Jason about how she wants to teach first grade because she loves kids. Jason passes out from sheer ecstasy. He asks her what she would do with her summers off and she replies, "probably play with kids." The only thing that would get Jason more turned on was if she told him that she loves kids so much that she eats them for breakfast.

About eight more of the gals get a group date with Jason, and he takes them to a boutique and lets them pick out an outfit. There is much shrieking and stereotyping of women, about how taking them on an unlimited shopping spree is the perfect date. They show off their clothes to Jason, whose eyes are on their boobs at all times. Sharon says she feels giddy around Jason. I swear, this is a contest for who can act like the most lovestruck seventh-grader. He then takes them to a rooftop pool. Jason is wearing a vest over a tight t-shirt. Yeesh. It only gets worse from here.

Everyone strips down to their bathing suits and Jason gets to go shirtless. Something about him doesn't look right. I think it's because he has the head of a boychild on a body of a lumberjack. Doesn't do it for me. The gals are in their bikinis showing off their Pilates bods, and they decide to have a talent show.

Jason does some breakdancing that he has obviously practiced in the mirror. Three gals put on a synchronized swimming routine. Seriously! This is what I used to do in my friend's pool in seventh grade! What's next, an underwater tea party? Molly steals him away for alone time, which is code for make-out time. Molly tells Jason her talent is kissing, and Jason shows Molly his talent of impersonating a dead fish. The other Jasonettes get catty and hate on Molly. Naomi steals Molly's game, only using the line, "We'll always be friends ... can friends kiss each other?" If I have to see Jason make out with someone one more time, I'm gonna ... try out for this show. The gang calls it a night.

As Jason is inside bidding adieu to his fair maidens, Raquel sneaks into the car so she can talk to him. Sure, it's creepy, but so is this whole show scenario, so can you blame her for trying? Jason is genuinely weirded out, and he awkwardly hugs her. And Jason is Mr. Awkward, so he should know.

Jason hangs at another cocktail party so he can get to know the girls better. There are lots of conversations and little substance. Surprised? Laura admits she is uncomfortable with the situation, and for her, dating is a "two-way street." Again, I have to ask, did she not know what show she is on? Nikki, in a ridiculous zebra-print dress, acts holier-than-thou, telling Jason that several of the other girls are not willing to go the distance to give up their jobs, friends and lives to move to Seattle to be with him. Um, shame on them? Nikki creeps me out. Shannon and her scary veneers continues to scare Jason with her knowledge of his son's birthday and his brother's blood type. Jason digs it. Especially when she keeps stopping herself to squeal, "Why are you so cute? Yes you are! How are you soooo cute?" which is exactly how I talk to my cat. Who, by the way, can't even stand to be in the room when I am watching this show.

Finally, Chris Harrison, who I actually forgot about, takes Jason back into the room of secrets and glamour shots to have a little tete a tete. Chris hits us with his hard-hitting journalism: "Jason, how is tonight different from the last rose ceremony?" Jason has an uncanny ability to talk without actually saying anything of substance. This is really hard, blah blah, I'm falling for all the girls, blah blah. Finally, the most! shocking! rose! ceremony! ever! Megan gets the first rose. You know what? I love Megan. I think because she is always a tad cranky and has some great curves and doesn't look like the other fake-tanned barbie dolls. In a way, I hope she doesn't win. "Winning" is all relative.

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