The remaining five in The Bachelor Brothel (say that five times fast) find out they get to go to Seattle, and screech like they just found out their next date was giving birth to Jason Mesnick's spawn. Cue the stock shots of the Space Needle, Pike Place Public Market, and houseboats. Jason reunites with Ty, who is pretty cute, for a kid. He (unfortunately?) inherited Jason's jawline.

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First up is a one-on-one date for Melissa, who gussies up for a night on the town. She puts on a black strapless dress with a rhinestone snake holding the dress together at her cleavage. I think she got it from the Rock of Love Bus. However, Jason is at home with Ty and is reluctant to leave him. He asks Ty of it is OKif he goes out or if he should stay home. Really, Jason? What 6-year old is going to answer, "Sure Dad, I understand your need to be an adult and understand that you are not replacing my mother." So he calls Melissa and asks her to come over to his house instead. Stephanie, the child-rearing expert, tells her, "that's real world, yo." The other gals are super jealous because Melissa will get to meet the magical Ty. Melissa asks Jason if she can wear her "stretchy pants." Smooth.

Watch a music video starring Jason's ex-wife here

Melissa arrives in her snake dress getup, and acknowledges that there are toys litering the floor and unfinished pizza on the table. She "plays her role" as she puts it, which means cleaning up and tinkering in the kitchen. Great. Jason comes downstairs and says that he's not ready for anyone to meet Ty, but she GETS to peek at him while he is sleeping. Gee thanks Jason, for allowing Melissa the privilege to gaze upon your magical, special child. Melissa and Jason talk about Melissa's family, and Melissa says she's the black sheep of the family. If she's a black sheep, what is her family like? Do they dress goth and kick puppies? Out of everyone, Melissa annoys me the most. She's just too peppy and cheesy and I don't know ... is probably a cyborg.

Jillian, Molly and Stephanie go out on the group date, and try to outdo each other with appearing totally thrilled to be there. Stephanie also decided to wear a polar bear as a vest. Jason steals Stephanie away for alone time, and can't think of anything to talk about so he talks about the date when Sofia showed up. If I hear about that one more time... Next, they go with Jason to be interviewed on a radio show with America's blandest DJs. They talk about kissing, what is hot about Jason, and finally what the ladies like to do in the boudoir. Stephanie likes to kiss every square inch of her man, and Jason looks a little scared.

They go out to eat, and Jason talks to Jillian and asks her if she has unrealistic expectations of him. Of course she says no. Ninety percent of this show is convincing Jason they are the woman for him so they'll "win." Did it ever cross anyone's mind that Jillian may be doing this for U.S. citizenship? Jason talks with Molly and asks her who he would meet on their hometown date. He can barely make small talk so he just uses the questions the producers give him with each woman. Molly tells him that she doesn't mind moving to Seattle because she's already not near her family. Why is it that the bachelorettes always have to move to wear the bachelor is? And again, why do I bother questioning the feminist principles of the show?

Naomi is excited to have the final one-on-one date. They go in an airplane across the city and conquer a rock climbing wall in REI. At the top of the wall Naomi spins around and does a spread eagle for the camera. Classy. Ty, I hope you see this one day. Naomi is trying so hard to be peppy, I think she may hurt herself.

The next day, Jason pops by the hotel suite to talk to Jillian. They go to a coffee shop and Jason asks about Jillian's committment. Jillian talks about a million words a minute while Jason's eyes start to cross. I guess what she said appeased him, because they kissed the famous Jason kiss, which is when he plants his lips on you and freezes. With maybe some slight tongue action. Keep practicing Jason, you'll get it someday.

At the rose ceremony, Jason has to talk to Naomi first, to once again confirm her commitment. Jason is concerned because Naomi is fun-loving and sporty, but sometimes Jason's life is less hectic because he has his son. Which is really irritating because, well, I don't know, YOU set up the date, Jason! I call entrapment. Let the rose ceremony begin. Commence awkward fidgeting and crying. Stephanie doesn't get the rose, and Jason publicly declares that Stephanie is one of the most amazing people he ever met, and that everyone is better for having met her. Stephanie, ever the stoic, says that as long as people heard her story and was able to reach them, this experience was not in vain. Her story of what? Wearing rhinestone track suits? Or having a daughter? Women raise children by themselves all the time, Steph, you are no martyr. Also, they probably don't leave them for weeks at a time to appear on reality shows.

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