I don't talk much about Saturday programming in this space for a good reason: it's typically the vastest of wastelands. But it's Easter weekend, which means one of the greatest televised camp spectacles this side of the Oscars, ABC's annual airing of The Ten Commandments (Saturday, 7 PM), will be on.

I've discovered that you can learn a lot about a person's sense of humor based on their reaction to this film; namely, whether or not they even have one. Obviously, it tells a story central to the Jewish faith (and by extension to Christians as well), and deserves respect on that basis. But the 1950s-style melodrama and enough scenery-chewing from the likes of Charlton Heston, Anne Baxter, and Edward G. Robinson to decimate half the back lots of Hollywood also make it ideal for setting up drinking games. Think of it as a window into a bygone era, when the movie mainstream was less concerned with realism and "getting into character," and more with simply providing entertainment and emotional release.

NCAA Basketball: Basically, if you have CBS on any time in the next three days, you're likely to hear words like "Cinderella," "bracket buster," "dribble penetration," and "Damn, that Gus Johnson sure can scream" quite a bit. Scheduled game times: today from noon to 5 PM and again from 7 PM to approximately midnight; Saturday from 2 PM to approximately 11 PM; and Sunday from noon to 7 PM.

The Return of Jezebel James (Fox, tonight 8:30 PM): Sarah tries to offer incentives to a teenage author she wants to sign; Sarah learns why Coco has been upset.

20/20 (ABC, tonight 9 PM): Back-to-back episodes about a subject that has been in the news lately: prostitution, both the legal (in Nevada) and illegal kind. I like watching Diane Sawyer having to deal with any sort of salacious topic.

In Treatment (HBO, tonight 9:30 PM): After a brutal week, Paul is feeling more downcast than usual about the value of his job; Gina surprises him with an announcement.

Tila Tequila's Spring Break Fantasy Couple (MTV, Saturday 1 PM): I must be getting old, because I'd rather see Ed Lover again than watch one minute of this.

Torchwood (BBC America, Saturday 9 PM): Gwen's wedding is marred by the presence of an alien shape-shifter. She's going to have to have a good long talk with whoever sent out the invitations.

Trading Spaces (TLC, Saturday 9 PM): Well, this certainly sounds like an idea with no potential for drama: a divorced couple redesign each other's bedrooms. I bet they cut out all the good jokes for reasons of taste. I wonder if the guy will try to have a freezer installed? (See, I have no taste.)

Rock Of Love 2 (VH1, Sunday noon and 9 PM): Bret meets the exes of the final five in order to try to find out what they are really like; someone from the past shows up to supervise the women. So Kristy Joe isn't going to win after all! The editors had me fooled.

60 Minutes (CBS, Sunday 7 PM): Anderson Cooper profiles the only male celebrity in the world with a funnier voice than mine, David Beckham.

Big Brother 9 (CBS, Sunday 8 PM): Adam is Head of Household. It's always fun whenever someone who seems to have little awareness of what's going on most of the time gets a little power. I'm referring only to this show, not to American government.

Everybody Hates Chris (CW, Sunday 8 PM): Chris tries to find a way to take Tasha to the Easter pageant while still keeping a commitment to his mom; Rochelle's position as queen of the church's Easter "hat-off" is threatened.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC, Sunday 8 PM): An Alabama family that assists those with special needs gets its Katrina-damaged home repaired.

Making the Band 4 (MTV, Sunday 8 PM) Season Finale: The two-month commercial for Danity Kane and Day 26 ends with some material from the second Danity Kane album, which (credit where it's due) is one more album than I figured they would ever have.

Aliens In America (CW, Sunday 8:30 PM): This sounds like a serious turn: Raja asks to be put with a different family when he feels guilty about the Tolchuks having vacation plans disturbed because he was seen praying in an airport.

Unhitched (Fox, Sunday 8:30 PM and 9:30 PM): At 8:30, Gator joins a gym and is immediately challenged to box by a woman, while Freddy imparts sexual wisdom to Tommy. At 9:30, Freddy's attempt at online dating leads him back to his ex, while Tommy falls for a woman while serving on a jury.

John Adams (HBO, Sunday 9 PM): Adams and Benjamin Franklin are sent to France to drum up support for the revolution, but Adams has less fun than his less uptight colleague; Adams also seeks out help in Holland and deals with a serious illness.

Oprah's Big Give (ABC, Sunday 9 PM): The final seven have 24 hours to give away cash in Miami, courtesy of Vegas bigwigs Joe and Gavin Maloof.

The Game (CW, Sunday 9 PM): Kelly leaves Jason when he tells her he's not ready to give up steroids; Derwin's crush is not impressed with his romantic game.

The L Word (Showtime, Sunday 9 PM): In Sunday's season finale Helena comes back into the picture at just the right time for Kit; Phyllis wants to know exactly what Shane intends regarding Molly; Lez Girls is finally finished.

Aftermath: The Station Fire Five Years Later (VH1, Sunday 10 PM): A benefit concert for the victims of the 2003 Rhode Island club fire. It's for a great cause and kudos to all participants, but the lineup looks like some sort of Surreal Life cast from 2020: Gretchen Wilson, Twisted Sister, Stryper (!!), Kellie Pickler, Winger, John Rich, and Boston's reclusive Tom Scholz.

Ax Men (History, Sunday 10 PM): The problem with logging in Oregon is that it does rain just a little bit. The teams deal with an approaching storm and mud that traps trucks.

Dirt (FX, Sunday 10 PM): One of Holt's relatives creates a PR problem for him; Farber and Willa look into turmoil behind the scenes of a hit show; Lucy is back in touch with an old studio executive boyfriend.

Dumped (BBC America, Sunday 10 PM): Some of the dump-dwellers are putting more effort into improving matters than others; a solar bathing area is constructed.

Here Come the Newlyweds (ABC, Sunday 10 PM): The husbands have to go clothes shopping without knowing their wives' sizes; a quiz tests the couples' knowledge of each other; a psychic has some predictions about what's in store.

Iron Chef America (Food Network, Sunday 10 PM): Tyson Cole challenges Morimoto, who he says he idolizes. Get in line, Cole -- I saw him first!

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, Sunday 10 PM): Khloe decides to pursue an acting career, upsetting Kris, who is apparently opposed to any of her daughters having jobs other than having their pictures taken. Also in the "That ship sailed a LONG time ago" department, Bruce Jenner gets a makeover.

That's Amore (MTV, Sunday 10 PM): What better way to find the woman of your dreams in 2008 than by holding a disco contest?

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