We're Not Saying America's Next Top Model Will Be An Idiot, But...

We're down to the wire here, children. With only Jenah, Saleisha, Chantal, and Bianca the Bitch left, America's Next Top Model is close to declaring this cycle's winner, which, judging by the success of all the other previous cycles' winners, means a quick return to obscurity. Unless, of course, you marry a Brady. Then again, I think all the male Bradys are married now. Hmm, how about a Partridge?

This week's episode got started with the models saying good-bye to Shanghai and hello to Beijing, where they were quickly given a tour and shown things like giant paintings of the first Chinese president, Mao Tse-Tung, whom I'm willing to bet not one of them had ever heard of previously. I know it's easy to stereotype models, but none of these four seem to have much going on upstairs except, possibly, Jenah. Speaking of Jenah, she was a teary mess after winding up in the bottom two in the last episode, only narrowly escaping the chopping block when the judges sent Heather home instead. Again, screw you, Tyra! Wow, that felt good. I'm not saying I would've rather seen Jenah go home, but, well, I would've rather seen Jenah go home. Check out the America's Next Top Model website. There's a video of Heather answering viewer emails; the girl has oodles of personality, it turns out. Why couldn't she show it off on the show? Arrgggh.

Back on topic: our four remaining models were then given a mini-lesson by J. Alexander and Twiggy about four mythological Chinese beauties, which they all yawned their way through – as did viewers at home. Afterwards, they were challenged to take the dresses worn by the models who played the four beauties, head to the mall, and, with $200 apiece, contemporize them. Okay, I've got to ask a question: since when did America's Next Top Model become Project Runway? Geez. In the end, a very homesick Jenah turned out to have the best eye for creative fashion and won the challenge, earning her private runway lessons with Ms. J. This, however, is not the most notable part of the challenge. That is when Bianca the Bitch, in order to slow down Jenah, directed her to go to a part of the mall where there were no relevant stores. "There are no friends in competitions," she would say later. "There are only competitors."

Next, it was off to the Great Wall of China for the models. By the way, it's one of my life quests to hike the length of the wall. Their photo shoot assignment was to play Mongol warrior-queens trying to get over the wall while surrounded by warriors. Their photographer? None other than Tyra. Screw you, Tyra! I want Heather back. Sorry. Deep breath. Calming breath.

For the third week in a row, Saleisha proved herself to be the judges' new darling, while Jenah stepped up and wowed like she hadn't in some time. It ended up being Bianca the Bitch who was, as J. Alexander said, as stiff as one of the stones in the wall in her photos. That's why she ended up in the bottom two, alongside Jenah who was there again. But for the second week in a row, the blonde somehow survived and Bianca the Bitch, as some sort of karmic retribution for being a disgusting, horrendous human being, was sent home as an attitude adjustment. Tyra gave her some parting advice, something about posing for her uncles and cousins (yuck), but I'm pretty sure the model-turned-host had no idea what she was talking about. By the way, screw you, Tyra!

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