Restaurant Wars Are Back on Top Chef!

As far as I'm concerned, the only way Top Chef could get better this season is if the producers issued swords, shields, and maybe even tridents to the cheftestants. Every week the reality competition deteriorates further into gladiatorial bedlam as the pressure to win turns almost every one of the chefs into the kind of jerks you'd like to see snared by a net and dragged behind a horse, Spartacus-style. I know I'd pay good money to see that happen to Dale or especially Lisa.

This week's episode kicked off with only six cheftestants left after the surprise departure of the popular, albeit socially inept Andrew last week. Everyone else has dreams of making it through two more elimination challenges, which would land them in the oh-so-coveted finals, which would ... which would ... actually, I don't know what's so freakin' important about making it to the finals. If you don't win the competition, nobody remembers you. Do cheftestants who didn't win get to open restaurants based on their reputations as fourth-place losers on Top Chef? As far as I'm concerned, there are really only four positions on a reality show like this: first, second, the other losers, and, of course, the very first loser to be kicked off.

After the Quickfire Challenge that Antonia won (the cheftestants had to work a short-order egg station), all were sent to a warehouse where it was revealed they would be split into two teams for -- start the drum roll -- restaurant wars! At the news of this, my girlfriend started bouncing beside me; apparently, this is the highlight of the series. Somehow, though, I've managed to miss these particular episodes over the last several seasons. In case you have, too, the cheftestants have to create their own restaurant, décor and menu included, then execute it for the team of judges and some 35 guests apiece. As Richard points out, when he opened his own restaurant it took four months of prep. These guys get a whopping 24 hours.

Because she won the Quickfire Challenge, Antonia chose Stephanie and Richard for her team -- with her as the executive chef and Stephanie as the out-front general manager. That left Dale, Lisa, and Spike teamed up together, even though most of them absolutely hate each other. Dale and Lisa flipped a coin for the executive position. Dale won; shouting ensued.

In the end, the judges couldn't have been happier with Antonia's team, which over-performed on every dish. Dale's team, on the other hand, delivered dish after dish that actually disgusted the judges. Only Spike's braised ribs got a rise out of them. When they were finally brought before the executioners, Dale and Lisa went at it again, snapping, accusing each other, trying to avoid blame. The judges, inured to this bickering by now, made the only choice they could to avoid the lawsuit that would eventually come from Dale's anger management problems exploding into a sudden stabbing -- they asked him to pack his knives. Later on camera, he broke down into tears, revealing he wasn't just a sadistic sonuvabitch after all. That doesn't mean I'm not happy to see him go, or that I don't regret not seeing him dragged behind a large horse.

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