When, in the course of television events, it becomes necessary for a man with a basic cable plan to seek out confederates with premium packages, paying respect to the opinions of Film.com readers requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to move beyond the limits of his cable subscription.

I hold this truth to be sacred and undeniable: not all television miniseries are created equal. Citizens and compatriots, it's self-evident that I've been hooked by HBO's John Adams.

More eloquent historians than I have commented in depth on the moral bravery of America's vocal founding father. While casting Paul Giamatti as America's second president might be as inappropriate as casting Anthony Hopkins as Nixon, the Italian-American actor deserves each and every starring role he can get. And in the case of Adams, Giamatti invokes a fervent patriotism and lust for freedom that put action to the words Ralph Waldo Emerson would state 10 years after Adams death: "The dread of man and the love of man shall be a wall of defense and a wreath of joy around all."

The Continental Congress debates of the second episode are destined, without doubt, to be remembered in posterity as the best floor debates to succeed Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. This is the seven-part series our nation has thirsted for; it inspires a unifying patriotism while reminding us, humble Americans, how we, too, were once occupied and how we overcame tyranny through civil process.

OK, enough with the diatribe. Let's get to the meat of this review: prosthetic noses. Here are my top 10 favorites in film and TV (you'll understand why in a moment):

10. Gerard Depardieu in Cyrano de Bergerac (1990):
With a bifurcated nose to begin with, I still can't figure out why he needed a prosthetic.

9. Gregory E. Jacobs (aka, Shock-G and Humpty) in Nothing But Trouble (1991):
No prosthetic nose list can leave out the Digital Underground front man, even if he only cameo-ed in this ridiculous dark comedy as himself.

8. Will Smith in Ali (2001):
Smith's makeup has been criticized heavily for looking especially unlike Muhammad Ali. I disagree: without the prosthetic nose he would've still been a pretty boy rather than the boxer.

7. Nicole Kidman in The Hours (2002):
It took me eight or so passes by the film poster to realize that Virginia Woolf was indeed Kidman.

6. Ralph Fiennes in the Harry Potter films:
Technically not a prosthetic since they digitally removed his nose, Voldemort's snake nostrils are among the creepiest things I've ever seen on film.

5. Anthony Hopkins in Nixon (1995):
C'mon. Can you really portray Tricky Dick without a proper prosthetic?

4. Jack Nicholson in Hoffa (1992):
Nicholson's portrayal of the Teamster leader brought the term "hard-nosed" to an all-new level.

3. Danny DeVito in Batman Returns (1992):
Not only does DeVito's Penguin look like the real deal with his beak, but he actually rips off the tip of another guy's nose with his teeth.

2. Steve Martin in Roxanne (1987):
Some critics might argue that Martin's nose was more Pinocchio than Cyrano and, therefore, was an unnecessary distraction from what would otherwise be a fine romantic comedy. Gimme a break: Martin needed something to divert our attention away from Daryl Hannah.

1. David Morse in John Adams:
John Adams stars the proverbial perfect storm of a cast: Giamatti as Adams, Laura Linney as his wife, Sarah Polley as his daughter, Tom Wilkinson as Benjamin Franklin, Danny Huston as Samuel Adams (mmm... yummy hops), but who I want to talk about here is David Morse as George Washington.

Morse is one of the character actors that turns up in just about everything (typically Stephen King adaptations), but rarely in a full supporting role, and even more rarely, as the lead. To be honest, the flat-faced, soft-spoken actor hasn't really made much of an impact on me until now. But his portrayal of Washington, or at least his physical depiction, has left an impression on me as sharp and unforgettable as the president's profile on the quarter.

F'real. With a bulbous prosthetic nose, like a cherry hanging from that cherry tree, Morse plays the man we all learned about in social studies class. I hereby declare his nose the best prosthetic nose to appear on screens large and small.

Next week: Best wooden teeth in film history.

Yeah, right.

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