Chaos Strikes Dancing With the Stars

Dancing With the Stars is turning into a shock-athon. First, they gave Paris Hilton's zombie-star rival Kim Kardashian a boot in the butt (admittedly a temptingly large target) instead of banishing formerly funny Cloris Leachman and that arrhythmic walking Spam can Rocco DiSpirito. Then, in the show's realest moment yet, adorable Amazon Misty May-Treanor agonizingly, audibly popped her Achilles tendon in mid-Lindy Hop. So now they may replace her with Kim Kardashian, the very same week that Kim's late dad's ex-client O.J. Simpson finally got convicted. O.J.'s in celebrity jail, but Kim could get sprung soon.

When an old-folks-home resident asked Lacey Schwimmer where Cloris was, Lacey startlingly revealed her inner witch: "I'm sure after the show she'll be coming here!" Later, she made fake-nice: "I love you, Cloris!" And she loves you too, Lacey. Hateful Derek Hough treated Brooke Burke like dirt, and she stalked out of rehearsal. I suspect this was staged, possibly inspired by Mak Chmerkovskiy's abuse of Misty last week, but it was still shocking, since they're DWTS's champion couple. It was like that moment in Let It Be when McCartney so insulted Harrison's guitar playing that he briefly quit the Beatles.

More shockingly, Brooke and Derek bounced back from the spat with their best dance ever. Judge Len gave them a 10, his first, which is like a Russian Olympic judge applauding a Georgian gymnast.

Toni Braxton shattered her winning streak by dancing indifferently to the world's worst techno version of the Moonlight Sonata in a dress that looked filched from Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette. It was so bottom-heavy it would've fit Kim Kardashian, and her steps were more dumb and leaden than Sofia's overupholstered flick. Alec Mazo had all the personality of a plastic groom on a stale wedding cake. And I'd had such hopes for them!

The duos Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson and Maurice Greene and Cheryl Burke gave me a different kind of jolt. I openly crush on Cheryl and her deafeningly loud blue eyeshadow (more overdone than Samantha's!), while Kym leaves me cool. Warren and Maurice I think of as The Hulk and The Thing -- and I've always rooted for The Thing, the littler guy. I thought Warren and Kym got improper props for last week's Matrix routine, and when I got a load of Maurice and Cheryl's bravura "Rock Around the Clock" jive turn, I knew The Thing would end the evening in triumph. It was so jumpin', Maurice actually jumped right over Cheryl's head. "This was harder than training for the Olympics," said Maurice. Somebody give this guy a medal.

But I had to admit that The Hulk won, huge hands down. Warren and Kym's emotional chemistry outdid Maurice and Cheryl's, and hulking as he is, Warren proved that he's got the moves. Even his little throwaway arm gestures have grace. He radiated charm. A leviathan with a shy, winsome smile, he didn't just defy gravity, he made light of it. You could see it in their faces that Warren and Kym's one-point lead burned Maurice and Cheryl like overspiced phad Thai. Sorry, kids, they earned it.

The rest of the dances were no shock at all. Cloris and Corky's jive to "The Girl Can't Help It" was sluggish. Unlike the tune's heroine, Cloris failed to "make grandpa feel like 21." She grimaced and waved her hand over Corky's derriere as if he'd passed gas, but it was their performance that stank. Incompetent nice guy Rocco, in a ruffly white satin blouse heisted from Tom Jones' 1966 tour, spun Karina around as if he were trying to untie her ghastly purplish psychedelic dress. I repeat my last week's prediction: either Rocco or Cloris are the next to go. Please?

Susan Lucci, a game gal, did her best work to date jiving with Tony to "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?" Not quite technically impeccable, but impressively precise and almost spirited. But she danced like a Martian who has no idea why anyone falls in love. "The biggest challenge to Susan is she needs to listen to her heart, not her head," said Tony. What she needs is to loosen the heck up, and everything about her is infinitely, permanently taut (though I feel bad about her neck).

Lance Bass and Lacey vowed, "No gimmicks this week." His five o'clock shadow and her two-tone gray flouncy outfit were visual gimmicks. Their waltz was less gimmicky than their usual style, and still gimmickier than anybody but Cody Linley, who played Julianne Hough's leg like a guitar. Twice, I think. Cody and Julianne gave me a small shock by starting out strong. They burst onto the floor exhilaratingly, and then swiftly lost all taste and focus.

Now the drama is twofold. Will Brooke and Derek top their own 29-point record? And will Warren and Kym stay one step ahead of Maurice and Cheryl? Also, if Kim returns, and we inevitably get the pleasure of seeing her kicked out again, can we please actually see her burst into tears on camera, so we don't have to just read about it in People?

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