America's Next Top Model: Lauren Lost It Again

This week on America's Next Top Model, instead of a lot of hot chicks and even hotter photos, we got a hella lot of one-liners about hot chicks taking photos that deserve to be appreciated by one and all.

Here are a few of the highlights:

"Choke on it."
- Lauren, to Fatima, about her morning coffee.

"What an amazing phone! I need one of these because I'm always getting lost."
- Stacy Anne, about the Sprint GPS phone the models were using to navigate their way to go-sees.
(Considering Sprint is a sponsor, I'm sure this sentiment was 100 percent spontaneous.)

"That weird Eastern European tackiness is gone."
- Paulina Porizkova, about Katarzyna's new haircut.

"H2Oh no you didn't, girl."
-Tyra Banks, about Anya's watery photo.

"That's a full-figured fetus."
- Miss J, about a fetus-shaped photo of Whitney.

I don't know what any of these quotes have to do with anything, but they sure did make an otherwise dull episode seem halfway entertaining. Things started off with Lauren, our awkward, Frankenstein-gaited heroine -- this season's Heather, I guess, without the excuse -- going barking mad again. Apparently the quiet, unconfident wannabe model is actually not one to be trifled with: she didn't climb up on a chair to shout this week, but she did unleash a couple dozen expletives on Fatima who, if you haven't forgotten, is as socially oblivious (read: rude) as Dominic. Sorry, I mean Dominique. "She" still hasn't admitted to being a dude, but I'm sure the confession is coming. Trust me.

The models headed out to go-sees for their first challenge, which pretty much just resulted in a whole lot of nothing. Different designers offered different opinions about everyone, coming to no conclusion except, believe it or not, Stacy Ann is the most bookable of them all. This is the girl every judge calls a "catalog model," but, hey, whatever. I'm sure they know what they're talking about. For flavor, Whitney bitched about how some designers don't have a use for plus-sized models, which is funny since up until about, oh, two years ago, I didn't even know there was such a thing as plus-sized models outside of the women they hire to model for K-Mart and Sears.

This week's photo challenge was inspired by an off-Broadway production called Fuerzabruta, and involved a transparent Mylar sheet covered in an inch of water. The models got to splash around in it, to look hot I guess, but all but one of their photos looked pretty damn indistinct to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure the judges knew how bad the shoot's concept was and just played dumb, since it was pretty hard to praise anyone too effusively.

Ultimately, Fatima got the big thumbs up, while Lauren and Claire ended up in the bottom two. At this point, my girlfriend, sitting beside me with a Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat in her hand (a top-notch beer if you haven't tried it), asked me, "Who do you think is gone?" I shrugged and she sighed, annoyed I wouldn't play along. I said, "Fine. Lauren." She sighed again, since it was obvious Lauren, who botched her photo shoot royally, was going home.

Except she didn't. Claire got the boot, and my girlfriend thinks there's something wrong with me because I like how foul-mouthed and abusive Lauren can be. I'm going to go find another Sam Adams Cherry Wheat now.

Recommend (0)

|  Comments (0)

|  Email

|  Share

Share  Facebook Digg del.icio.us