Omigod you guys so much has happened since COB yesterday. So pop a couple Tylenol, get that Visine in, and have your morning beer so we can get started.

• Tragic news! Patrick Dempsey’s wife is having another one of his kids, making you even more of a naughty homewrecking slut when he shows up in your sexual fantasies. Hm. Maybe not so tragic.
• Madonna wants Russia to send her to outer space in 2008. They say no, but they’ll consider it for 2009. There’s a Lance Bass joke in here, but I can’t find it. I’m open to suggestions.
• Orlando Bloom buys his very first computer. The fact that this coincides with his break-up with long-term girlfriend/stick figure Kate Bosworth strikes me as interesting. First person to find his Match.com profile gets a hug.
• 24-year-old rocker Ryan Cabrera is dating Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, barely-17-year-old Riley Keough. Someone oughtta alert Joe Francis.
• Tori Spelling’s first husband reveals the obvious: even her own family thinks she’s a spoiled, crazy bitch.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The Evil Beet We know what Jane Fonda thinks of Lindsay Lohan, so you don’t have to.