Snap Judgment: The New Real Housewives of New Jersey

Maisy Fernandez May 17, 2011

Image: The Real Housewives of New Jersey

It’s rare to watch something that instantly qualifies as one of the Top Three Reality TV Atrocities of All Time.

But last night, the season three premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey offered up a mind-boggling baby christening melee that will easily go down as one of the most stunning things ever seen on TV. Grown men were pummeling each other and issuing threats (“I’m gonna f—ing kill every last one of yous!”); women were screaming and running around, a blur of bejeweled dresses and big hair; children were running for cover under strollers and crying in corners. Even the Bravo camera got knocked to the floor during the wild ruckus.

Uh, should we remind you this happened at a baby christening?

If this is how the third season of RHONJ is shaping up, we are totally on board! The addition of two new cast members — Teresa Giudice’s sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga, and Teresa’s first cousin, Kathy Wakile — has introduced an explosive family dynamic guaranteed to make any case of the Mondays seem like child’s play.

First impressions of the newbies? Actually, Melissa faded into the backdrop compared to her husband (and Teresa’s brother), Joe Gorga, whose struggling vocabulary and unabashed jackassery are going to be gifts from the reality TV heavens.

For example, when Teresa walked up to congratulate Joe and Melissa on the communion event, Joe responded by telling his sister to “get the f*** outta here” and called her garbage. And that’s pretty much what sparked the fist fight, which began with Joe Gorga vs. Joe Giudice, and ended with about 40 people rumbling in the middle of the room. After the free-for-all wrapped up, Joe Gorga went straight to the bar to do some more shots, because everyone knows alcohol helps diffuse flaring tempers and makes spending time with your newly-christened baby extra special.

All this leads us to believe that Melissa is a wack job for marrying Joe. And we already know Teresa’s not afraid to toss a table or two, so break out the first aid kits and let’s get this party started!

Cousin Kathy, meanwhile, seemed like the nosy rabblerouser type. We’re counting on her to pretend she’s trying to bring Teresa and her brother back together, while simultaneously thrusting a wedge in things. A silent instigator — our favorite kind!

All that crazy orbiting around Teresa almost made us forgot about Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Laurita. The ladies and their fams had a big dinner together, during which nobody was insulted or maimed. We have a feeling they’ll be getting lots less air time during season three.