First things first: I readily concede that everyone on Deadliest Catch, from the most grizzled captain down to the most hopeless greenhorn, is much more brave than I will ever be. I can't take a bath without getting seasick, and yet these men face discomfort and danger on a daily basis.

Still, it's only natural to have preferences, which is why I'm going to take a stab at rating the stars of the Discovery Channel series, the boat captains, based on scientific criteria such as how cool they look in a beard. And in the event these rankings have piqued your interest in the show, here's a reminder that you can watch the first 32 episodes of Deadliest Catch on SuperPass.

Sig Hansen (Northwestern): Sig comes as close to being the true star of Deadliest Catch as anyone (he was recently a guest on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon), but he's a little hard to warm up to. First -- and yes, I know it's petty -- his lack of facial hair bothers me. I firmly believe that a beard adds crucial credibility. The Northwestern already seems first among equals in the crab fleet, and Sig can come across as an ex-male model who somehow fell into commercial fishing. He's a solid boss, his boat and crew are impeccable, and he's shown himself willing to joke around with the other captains. I just wish it added up to a more lovable package. 3 crab legs

Johnathan and Andy Hillstrand (Time Bandit): These guys manage to make the world's roughest, stinkiest job look like way too much fun. I think we'd spend more time with them if there was more drama on Time Bandit (though there was plenty in previous seasons). The brothers are in the same general age range as the other veteran captains on the show, but they come across as much younger and less beaten down by life at sea. But Time Bandit isn't the Alaska Animal House -- these guys know what they are doing. The just completed King crab season was a bonanza for Johnathan, who filled his quota so early that he was gallivanting in the Gulf of Mexico while the other captains were still freezing away. The only thing potentially deadly in their post-crab playtime was an encounter with swine flu. 3 1/2 crab legs

Phil Harris (Cornelia Marie): Now this guy epitomizes what a crab fisherman ought to be. With his long blond hair, craggy face, graying beard, and loads of tattoos, Phil is the nearest thing to a visual symbol that the show has, and he plays the part to the hilt. His recent reappearance after an embolism kept him off the boat for nearly a year was a sight for sore eyes, even as one wishes he'd take this opportunity to cut back on the cigarettes. And while all the major crews on the show have family relationships at their core, Phil's parenting of Jake and Josh, who are maturing into salty veterans before our eyes, illustrates how the culture of life at sea is handed down to the next generation. How can you not love a guy who tells his son "You ain't a man till you pull a tooth out with a pair of pliers?" 4 crab legs

Keith Colburn (Wizard): You know how in any group, there's always one you have trouble remembering at first? That's the fate of Keith, who is to Deadliest Catch what Jose Carreras was to the Three Tenors. Sig is the aristocrat, Phil is the lion in winter, and the Hillstrands are the wild men of the Bering Sea. That leaves Keith, who is a good captain and perfectly competent, just easy to lose in the shuffle. He looks like a minor league Zamboni driver. Even a recent cancer scare for him paled in comparison to continuing concern about the health of Phil. Keith seems to be displaying more of a temper lately, as Wizard has experienced a run of bad luck. Perhaps he'll throw his brother overboard one day and I'll be able to finally call him colorful. 2 1/2 crab legs

Wade Henley (Lisa Marie): It appears the idea of adding the Lisa Marie to the show this year was to illustrate what life is like aboard a smaller boat. It's a decent enough idea -- after bouncing around the fleet in its early seasons, Deadliest Catch had settled into being the story of just four boats -- but the producers appear to have lost interest in the Lisa Marie as the season has progressed, even though watching the relatively small boat deal with the weather would seem to hold plenty of drama. Wade looks and sounds the part, but his crew appeared to be at the ends of their ropes most of the time, leading to questions about how strong his leadership truly is. He probably deserves an Incomplete, but instead I'll give him 2 crab legs.

Murray Gamrath (Cornelia Marie): Murray, the Cornelia Marie engineer who served as relief captain during Phil's long convalescence, faced two big problems right off the bat, neither of which he could anything about. The first, obviously, is that he's not Phil, and anyone would suffer by comparison. The second is that someone named Murray, who looks every bit like a Murray, is hard to buy as an old salt. He seems more like someone who should be ordering crab at a San Francisco restaurant than catching crab off the Alaskan coast. And while accidents happen all the time at sea, it's not a positive that we saw Cornelia Marie take a big loss a couple of weeks ago. Murray, you're not a leading man. 1 1/2 crab legs

Recommend (0)

|  Comments (0)

|  Email

|  Share

Share  Facebook Digg del.icio.us