On Friday I recapped and predicted, and of course I gave you your money’s worth. What’s left to do with this season besides blog the finale? We’ve all been here all season, we’re all ready for a worthy champion, and CBS is ready to jump right into this festivus for the rest of us. I’ve got popcorn and a double shot of espresso, and I’m ready for anything, up to and including Jeff Probst acting annoying. Let’s live blog!

:01 It’s recap city around here. Five guys left, and four of them are Aitu. I won’t ask why we’re using ten minutes of a 90 minute show on a recap. I’ll just assume CBS is trying to catch everyone up who hasn’t watched all season. Good work, fellas.

:14 Adam’s given up. That would have been me after about the third hour on the island.

:19 Initially Ozzy is down in the immunity challenge, until he decides he’s not affected by any natural force. This kid is to agility what Ray Charles was to the piano.

:22 Ozzy takes immunity, which means Adam is dead meat. I’m not sure Ozzy can be beaten. Maybe a young Barry Sanders could take him, but he’s not on the island that I know of.

:29 Oooh, Adam floats on an idea to make Yul use the hidden immunity idol. Pretty good idea from a guy who’s been short on good ideas throughout the competition.

:34 Adam stays on the offensive by calling the Aitu tribe out for not forcing Yul to use his immunity idol. He’s exactly right, and I never thought I’d say that.

:44 Right of passage time, as the final four reminisce on their fallen comrades. I always find this segment funny because some of these guys were on the island like four minutes.

:49 Okay, all of the torches of the castoffs have been burned. Those losers should just be grateful it was only their torches and not, say, their Nissan Sentra (the following entry brought to you by Nissan).

:55 The final tribal council will have three people! That could make the vote very interesting. Although it would probably be even more interesting if more than two competitors were entering the final three.

:57 The final immunity challenge is of the classic Survivor “stand in the sun while your post gets smaller” variety.

:1:01 Ozzy decides to do some Jedi tricks by trying one leg, spinning around, making some eggs. An hour in Yul goes down, and it’s between Sundra and Ozzy. Sundra shoulders look liked they’ve been cooked in an oven from sunburn. Neither competitor looks strong enough to hang on too long.

:1:03 So of course we’re at the two and a half hour mark. Guess who wins? Ozzy. Ozzy always wins. Now the vote between Yul and Ozzy will be the very definition of the physical versus the mental game. Somehow Ozzy has taken control of this game through sheer force of will.

:1:08 I have no idea at this point how either Sundra or Becky will get any votes in front of the jury. This is a two horse vote all the way, Yul vs. Ozzy for all the marbles.

:1:14 These interviews before the vote are brutal. Probst thinks he’s the new Oprah.

:1:17 The third place Sundra vs. Becky competition is to make fire. Ladies, you’re not going to get a vote anyway, take it easy.

:1:19 And they do. One hour has passed and neither has made fire. They are giving them matches! Ozzy shakes his head at the general futility of the women. 90 minutes have passed. Sundra runs out of matches. An epic battle of incompetence.

:1:22 Mercifully Becky wins. She’s got to know she’s doomed.

:1:29 Becky lays claim to the “social game” strategy. Umm, correct me if I’m wrong, but everyone played the “social game.”

:1:30 Ozzy predicts Becky won’t get a vote after the firemaking debacle. I’d bet on him being exactly right. Ozzy has taken control of this game at the exact right time. He’s now got the big mo.

:1:36 Yul plays the “Godfather” argument (i.e., he had everyone “whacked”), Becky plays the “Well, I don’t know, I’m still here” argument, and Ozzy, unwisely, tries out, “I provided food and stayed true to who I am.” Not the route I would have gone for; my argument would have gone something like, “I won every time I needed to.”

:1:40 Nate does very well in breaking down the game. He even uses the “Godfather” moniker, which I’m pretty sure I trademarked with regards to Yul. Watch it there, bud.

:1:44 Becky couldn’t sell ice to an Eskimo right now. Her argument is weaker than my physique.

:1:48 Candice acts like a jerk for a bit, Yul falters a little, and then Ozzy whips out the “cry” card. He’s back in the game!

:1:52 Jonathan tries to call out Yul on honesty. Wow. That’s irony in the fullest bloom.

:2:00 It’s voting time, and we’re live. Yul and Ozzy have both cleaned up very nice, and they’ve even gained back a little weight. The first seven votes are read, and Ozzy takes a 4-3 vote. Tense! Yul ties it up, and we’re down to the final vote!

:2:01 Yul wins Survivor: Cook Islands, and all is right with the world. My predictions were spot on, right down to the final five in order and the overall winner. Do I want credit? Nah, just send cash.

So that’s it, my friends. The lucky 13th Survivor season is over, and Yul’s taken it home for all our Asian American brothers. It was a pleasing outcome, and either Ozzy or he would have been worthy winners. We’ll see you next season, when hopefully I’m a competitor and the island is Antigua. Later, skaters!

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Laremy Legel

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