Maisy Fernandez
Maisy Fernandez was an entertainment reporter for a really long time. Now, she oversees the havoc wreaked by her toddler and watches lots of television at night to take the edge off.
Character Countdown: Jersey Shore, Episode 7
Maisy Fernandez September 10, 2010
Lessons to be learned from Thursday’s episode of Jersey Shore:
1. When you wake up to ripped-out hair extensions, five fingernails from two different women, and an abandoned, half-eaten turkey sandwich on the kitchen floor and have no idea what happened, you drank too much.
2. Having two broken fingernails is apparently an acceptable reason for calling in to say you’re not going to work.
3. The JS “community smoosh room” is a petri dish for STDs and nastiness.
4. If you’re horny, it’s OK to have sex with your mortal enemy.
Last night, some of the Jersey Shore kids were lovers, some were fighters, and some were both. The show kicked off with the second half of the J-Woww/Sammi fracas, and then meandered into places that we never want to think about again. Like Snooki and J-Woww disinfecting the the “smoosh room,” where the boys have performed many a random sex act, often simultaneously, without ever cleaning it or changing the sheets.
But the sparkle in the palace of one-night-stands didn’t last for long, as Snooki christened it with a random guy she picked up from the bar the night before and got the germ factory hopping all over again. In other gross sex news: Vinny and Angelina fought like cats and dogs, then mated like rabbits.
These people must be keeping Trojan in business! Or at least, I hope they do.
On to the numbers…
– Keeps insisting to Sammi that Angelina wrote The Letter, too. (Angelina was not present for the actual writing, but she did advise the girls on its content) (-2)
– Says she is not white. On job applications, she checks “other” in the ethnicity box and writes in “tan” (-3)
– Meets a guy, Dennis, at the bar and brings him home (+2)
– He starts fixing himself tacos in their kitchen (-1)
– Once in bed, Snooki has tiny conversations with him in between moans of pleasure, keeping Jenni awake all night (-4)
– Tells Jenni she didn’t smoosh on the first night (+1)
– With Jenni cleans community smoosh room, which has been used dozens times by the guys without as much as a wipe down (-5)
– Rightly so, the two ladies construct body condoms out of trash bags before tackling the chore. A hazmat suit would have been better, but you’ve gott work with what you’ve got (+2)
– Invites Dennis over to have sex. She’d never do it on the first night, but if she’s known him at least 24 hours? No problem! (+3)
– Has sex in a sparkling clean smoosh room, allowing Jenni to rest (+4)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 77
– Gets shoved by Ronnie after instigating the girl fight; somehow does not get pulverized (+2)
– Is frustrated because nobody else sees “the shadiness that is Angelina” (-3)
– Angelina claims to be “the Kim Kardasian of Staten Island,” but Vinny says she’s the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island and calls her an ugly b*tch (+1)
– Vinny picks up a Hooters waitress at the bar — “she’s a classy girl,” he says — and brings her home to smoosh (+4)
– After fighting with Angelina for days, gets drunk and makes out with her in the car after a night out (-3)
– Ends up taking her to his bed for sex; he’s the third roommate to ride that train (-5)
Net gain/loss: -5
Current total: 117
– Angelina’s boy-toy, Jose, comes to Angelina’s job dressed in a suit, and brings her a new Fossil watch (+4)
– Gets into several yelling matches with Vinny, says she hates him (-2)
– In a revenge move, tells Mike’s sister, who Vinny has been trying to hook up with, that he had sex with Snooki (-3)
– Threatens to trash Vinny’s name on Staten Island, where they both live (-1)
– After days of battling Vinny, gets drunk and makes out with him in the back of cab on the way home while the other roomies stare in stunned silence. Forgiveness is a good thing, I guess (+2)
– Ends up having sex with Vinny later that night. Now she’s had sex with three of the four roommates. Inquiring minds want to know, though: Was she wearing Jose’s Fossil? (-6)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 27
– Was the favorite in the fight with Sammi, but got clocked in the face (-4)
– Got angry with Ronnie and came after him; had to be held back. We all know Ronnie will shove a girl if he feels like it… not the smartest move on her part (-2)
– Regrets writing The Letter because Sammi stayed with Ronnie anyway (-3)
– The day after the brawl, has a scheduled work shift with Sammi and Ronnie (-5)
– Calls in to work with a broken nail. Seriously, can’t she at least pretend to have a more urgent matter at hand? (-4)
– Misses out on a night of sleep because Snooki was moaning and rolling around with Dennis all night. Is not smart enough to go sleep on the couch (-4)
– When she asks Snooki’s dude to bring over a dude for her to hang with, he brings a male grenade. She retreats immediately (-3)
– Is only person in the house who hasn’t had sex with a roommate. (She did mess around with Pauly D in season one, but they didn’t do the nasty.) (+8)
Net gain/loss: -17
Current total: 78
– Lands a punch on J-Woww and is largely considered the victor of their kitchen melee (+3)
– Too bad we all know that she’s channeling her anger toward the wrong person (-5)
– Laments that Ronnie isn’t that romantic. Really? We thought he was a real Price Charming (-2)
– Says she’s revolted by Jenni, that “it’s sickening to look at her.” (-2)
Net gain/loss:-6
Current total: -6
– Jumps between Sammi and J-Woww’s fist fight. Is able to break it up because neither woman can reach past his beefy body (+2)
– Gets mad at Vinny for instigating fight and pushes him. Everyone loves a bully! (-3)
– Takes Sammi out to a romantic dinner; wears a thin white t-shirt with flourescent designs. Got forbid he actually wear a shirt that buttons for his date (-4)
– Thinks The Letter helped their relationship and brought them closer together. (Read: The Letter gave Sammi someone else to focus her anger on, so that Ron could come away unscathed) (+3)
– While Sammi sits on floor talking to Ronnie, he simulates humping the back of her head. Man, he must give her butterflies (-2)
Net gain/loss: -4
Current total: -5
– Told Angelina she was a big bitch in New Jersey, but she’s better now. There’s nothing as heart-warming as a back-handed compliment (-2)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 89
– Wakes up the day after fight to find hair extension, fingernails and a smashed sandwich, but missed all the fireworks that erupted the night before because he was passed out (-5)
– Barges up to the door on Snooki’s smoosh session. Nobody ever bothers the dudes when they’re getting some. We’re disappointed in you, Pauly. (-4)
Net gain/loss: -9
Current total: 104
CURRENT TOTALS:
Vinny — 117
Pauly D — 104
The Situation — 89
J-Woww — 78
Snooki — 74
Angelina — 27
Ronnie — (-5)
Sammi — (-6)
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