While you spent the weekend solemnly pondering how Josh Hartnett found a script worse than Hollywood Homicide, celebrities were out being even less productive.

• Tara Reid gets a breast reduction, because, you know, that’s the problem.
• An uber-drunk Mark McGrath stumbles into the wrong Las Vegas hotel room, wonders where his hookers, music career went.
• Now that his marriage to Whitney Houston is winding down, Bobby Brown has assumed relations with Karrine Steffans, hip-hop video vixen and author of last year’s Confessions of a Video Vixen. In the expose, Steffans claims to have slept with a large portion of the male hip-hop community and an impressive chunk of the NBA roster, among others. Her nickname is “Superhead,” for exactly the reason you think it is.
• I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that, technically, Paris Hilton isn’t supposed to be driving. You know, because of that whole DUI thing. But in a world based on law and rational thought, technically, Paris Hilton isn’t supposed to be famous.
• The second autopsy on Anna Nicole Smith’s son is still inconclusive. The pathologists have ruled out heart disease, stroke, congenital illness and foul play, and they are absolutely, positively stumped. Maybe I should go to pathologist school, because I think I can solve that little puzzle.
• A man is arrested for urinating on the grounds of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s Beverly Hills estate.

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The Evil Beet
Still not as drunk as Paula Abdul, but not for lack of effort.