At my day job, I write about shopping, so there is really no excuse for me to be so hopelessly behind on my Christmas purchases this late in the game. Maybe I'm sick of shopping, since I do it all the time for work? I dunno.

But there's an ice storm happening as I write this. So instead of shopping tonight, I'm procrastinating by watching Gossip Girl and dreaming up all the gifts I'd give to the people I spend much of my time with: My TV friends.

Now, let's shred some wrapping paper!

To Jack Bauer of 24: A gift certificate for a therapeutic massage, and an hour-long nap.

Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Some conditioner. Anyone who bleaches and perms her hair needs some serious treatment.

Tyra Banks of The Tyra Banks Show and America's Next Top Model: I'd give her a one-week reprieve from being lambasted on The Soup, even though I always find the bits highly amusing. She's corny, but she means well.

Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf of Gossip Girl: A Natural Helpers retreat. These two frienemies have gone enough rounds. They need to work on their friendship at a mountain retreat somewhere.

Project Runway: A history lesson. Please, take a look at what made your show shine in previous seasons -- and while you're at it, get some better contestants and a fresh start on Lifetime.

Hank Moody of Californication: A box of porn, a bag of weed and some whiskey. No smokes, though, because he's allegedly trying to quit.

Debra Morgan of Dexter: Several more dresses like the one she wore to Dexter's wedding. She said she felt like a transvestite, but we think it's the first time she's looked like a woman. Ever.

Bret Michaels of Rock of Love: A trip to Supercuts and a session of groupie speed dating.

Heidi Montag of The Hills: A lobotomy, so that she could erase any memory of Spencer Pratt.

Spencer Pratt of The Hills: A razor and a job. Not necessarily in that order.

Lauren Conrad of The Hills: Waterproof mascara. Hasn't she created enough jet-black tears over the years to realize it's time for a change?

Sam Merlotte of True Blood: A change of scenery. He deserves to meet a nice young lady, and he's pretty much exhausted all his options in Bon Temps. Also, I'd give him a canine neck bandanna that converts into a pair of shorts, so that when he shapeshifts into a dog and back, he won't end up stark naked in public.

Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU: Complimentary tattoo removal. On the occasions when we've seen Elliot shirtless, he's got some of the worst ink we've ever seen.

Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door: A GED. And some condoms. Lots of condoms.

Betty Draper of Mad Men: We'd find a way to get her modeling career back.

Shane Botwin of Weeds: A new family. This kid is the smartest one in the bunch, and he's got no chance growing up with his mom and Uncle Andy.

Michael Scott of The Office: I'd bring Holly back to him. She and Michael's shared dorkiness cracked me up ... plus, if his soul mate were around, he might not be as difficult to tolerate at work.

Kim of Kath & Kim: A gift card to Claire's, since her hair accessories are all suited for a 6-year-old.

Coolio of Coolio's Rules and Flavor Flav of Flavor of Love: Makeovers. If I kept the same style for as long as these two aging rappers have held on to theirs, I'd still have a spiral perm and tall, ratted bangs coaxed to stand on end via Aqua Net. And my MC Hammer pants.

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