10 Things I Wish I Could Forget About the Movies in 2006

I've run down some of the things I loved most at the movies this past year, and now it's time for the inevitable flip side to rear its ugly -- and I do mean ugly -- head. Yes, there are things I wish I had never had to bear witness to, things I would have gouged my eyes out in advance had I known I was going to be subjected to them. Such as:

Plasticine robot Josh Hartnett as a noir hero in The Black Dahlia [my review]: please, will someone put this boy out of his misery ... and ours?

The sadistic torture of Hostel [my review]: I got no problem with movie violence per se, but when it so obviously wants to titillate the audience, not horrify them, is when I revolt.

Martin Lawrence in a fat suit in Big Momma's House 2 [my review]: that his "granny" "nanny" is meant to be heartwarming is enough to make you gag.

The excruciatingly unfunny dispatch from the Global War on Terror that is The Pink Panther [my review]: electrical shocks to the testicles? Quelle amusant!

Male cows with udders in Barnyard [my review]: *whimper*.

The blatant rip-off of the charming Madagascar that became The Wild [my review]: seriously, someone call a lawyer.

The pseudo Paul Walker of The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift [my review]: his shoes were already tiny and insubstantial, and Lucas Black, the nonentity they found to replace him, could not even fill them.

The painfully bad dialogue of The Covenant [my review]: someone thought they were clever with that "wey-otch" line; someone needs to be smacked.

The let's-drain-the-portajohn scene in RV [my review]: so rarely are bad movies dripping in excrement both metaphorically and literally.

Matthew McConaughey's overgrown man-boy of Failure to Launch [my review]: so not charming.

Yeah, there was some genuine pain to be found at the multiplex in 2006. But guess what? These aren't even the worst things that happened cinematically this movie year. Soon I'll explain why certain movies made my top 10 ... and why other flicks are mired in the bottom 10. In the meantime, check out my finalized ranking of the 215 new theatrical releases I saw in 2006.

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