Hey, Paul, it’s been a while. What have you been up to? Oh, you just wrapped up shooting The Secret Life of Bees, based on the Sue Monk Kidd novel? That’s great! Sounds like a real prestige film. Maybe the Academy will finally start to take notice. So, what’s your role?

You’re playing Dakota Fanning’s abusive father? Oh, that’s an um, interesting choice for you. I think it’s great that you want to tackle such a dark, challenging role. And after this year’s Oscars, bad guys are all the rage right now, so I see why career-wise, this seems to make sense. I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with these things I’m hearing about you being okay with being typecast as a villain.

Can I be honest here for a second, as a friend? Because the truth is, Paul, I think you’re a great guy. I’ve thought so since you first caught my eye in A Knight’s Tale. You were so funny in that movie, so charming. Let’s not forget about Wimbledon, either. Your affable, everyman routine felt so real in that movie, you totally kept it afloat despite a typically bratty performance from Kirsten Dunst. And don’t even get me started on A Beautiful Mind! You were fantastic in that one! It hurt so bad to find out you weren’t real, because your friendship was the only thing Russell Crowe’s math geek seemed to have going for him. Everyone I know wanted you as his or her imaginary friend after that performance.

I kind of miss you, just like Russell did once they put him on those meds. What happened to your fun side? You certainly didn’t show it when you kidnapped Harrison Ford in Firewall. And nobody was having any fun in The Da Vinci Code, which brings me to my point. Maybe while you were shooting that one, you could’ve found time between self-flagellations to hit up your co-star Tom Hanks for career advice. He’s America’s favorite actor, in case you hadn’t heard. And I think you’d have a good shot at becoming America’s favorite British actor, if you modeled your career after his.

You see, Hanks doesn’t need to go dark to challenge himself as an actor. He realizes that he’s a likable guy, and he picks parts that allow us to continue liking him. He knows that a character doesn’t have to be evil to be complex. It’s not always the Daniel Planviews who nab those Oscars; sometimes it’s the Forrest Gumps.

We liked you for who you were when we first met you, Paul. We just wish you’d let us get to know that guy a little bit better.