Warning: This article contains heavy Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen spoilers. If you're still planning on seeing the film then you should transform right on out of here. We don't want to ruin what is certain to be an interesting experience for you.

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Has everybody left seen the movie?

Solid. Here we go.

Admittedly, finding logic flaws in a summer blockbuster is fairly easy. But I think we've got to scuttle this "big, dumb, fun" notion once and for all. The Dark Knight was a smart and entertaining film. Same with Iron Man. Star Trek and Casino Royale are additional examples. So why, with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen must we settle for plot points that don't make logical sense, character motivations that are silly, and interactions that don't fully add up? The studios spend hundreds of millions on entertainment; the least they can do is make all the pieces fit together nicely. Making excuses for conglomerates gets us nowhere. Lashing out at critics even less so. If we want better films we've got to stand up against this particular summer film. My issues? Well, since you asked, off the top of my head ...

1. Transformers Don't Mate
There are two examples in the film that would lead you to believe that Transformers are sexual beings. First off, a tiny Transformer attempts to copulate with Megan Fox's leg. Secondly, Devastator seems to have massive Decepticon testicles. Both of these happenings would you lead one to believe that giant metal robots mate, that they engage in the act of intercourse.

Only they don't. Because they are aliens made up entirely of metal. At the outset of the mythology there weren't even "female" Transformers because the Transformers had no gender at all. In fact, it's specifically mentioned in the film that the "little ones" are dying without the Energon cube, the very thing The Decipticons are trying to get their hands on, which would further indicate that it's more of a spawning/energy sort of birth for The Transformers.

Besides that, the joke doesn't even make sense, because a little Transformer shouldn't find Megan Fox's leg attractive. They are not in the same genus or species, they aren't even from the same planet. It would be akin to Megan Fox becoming aroused by a very shiny toaster. Idiotic.

2. Sam Witwicky's Hand Gets Bandaged By Ghosts
When the gang is all transported to The Middle East Shia's real-life injury is explained by him exploding outwards from Jetfire. So the causation of the injury is shown. But five seconds later Shia has what appears to be a professional level wrapping job on his hand. Who did this? Where did they get the supplies? And where on Megan Fox's body would all that gauze have been stored?

3. Sam Witwicky Would Have Been Killed by the Mini-Transformers at Close Range
When Sam's kitchen comes alive he's chased into his bedroom. He's then shot, at a distance of about 10 inches, with a full battery of mini-ordinance. My original thought was that mini-Transformers don't fire debilitating weapons, only this is contradicted the moment Sam escapes his room and they proceed to destroy the front yard. Thus, if they have the power to destroy a home they have the power to kill a human at close range.

4. Decepticons Don't Need to "Set Traps" With Sam's Parents
The Decepticons had the advantage of speed and superior firepower. They were closing in on the humans and their Autobot protectors. Why would they then need to traipse out Sam Witwicky's parents? It makes no sense. If you could get close enough to Sam to even show him his parents then you're close enough to kill / capture him. That little maneuver slowed Sam up for about five seconds, but it evidently took hours of careful planning and coordination by The Decepticons. It's the Coors Light Cold Can Technology of evil plans: A hell of a lot of work for absolutely no gain.

5. Why Not Drive the Final Two Miles Instead of Sprinting?
Sam is dropped off because Bumblebee can't make it to the village. So Sam and Mikaela running is better than a Camaro at full speed? Sure, the Camaro makes a more inviting target, but it also goes ten times faster. If The Decepticons were advancing to the point that they were putting too much heat on Bumblebee then they sure as hell would have caught two people running around in the 15 minutes it took them to close the distance to the village. It was an artificial attempt at tension, and a transparent one at that.

6. Five Targets Sink to Depths to Get Megatron ... and Yet Six Come Out
That math makes sense if The Decepticons hadn't destroyed a little Transformer on the ocean floor to facilitate Megatron's rebirth. But they did. So five targets went down, and five went up, which should have caused a bit of confusion for the humans. Only they reported five down, six up. Perhaps the Decepticons were bringing that last one home for a proper burial?

7. Leo Spitz Yells "I Don't Want to Go To Prison!"
Really? You've been kidnapped by giant metallic aliens, you're being chased by another and more evil set of giant metallic aliens, but your main concern IS PRISON?? I would think prison would be a welcome respite from, oh, I don't know, almost being blown to bits every five seconds.

8. The Back of the Smithsonian is a desert?
Devin Faraci from Chud pointed this one out. Quote:

At one point the characters walk out of the back door of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum in Washington DC and end up blatantly in Arizona at the Sorona Desert Airplane Graveyard.

I get that we're all suspending disbelief, and this is meant for entertainment, and it's a "popcorn" movie. But the man was handed hundred of millions of dollars to craft a story. You're telling me no one noticed this jarring lack of continuity? However, if Jetfire transported them to Sorona this technically makes sense, even though his transporting ability was never explained or fully realized until the Jordan/Egypt trip.

9. One Aircraft Carrier is Destroyed in 90 Seconds. The Rest Are Left in Peace?
When Megatron is rescued from the bottom of the ocean the Decepticons go through an aircraft carrier like a hot knife through butter. Later we see an additional air craft carrier launching fighters to provide support. Why didn't The Decipticons take an extra 15 minutes and simply destroy the rest of the fleet?

10. The Human Female Transformer
In Michael Bay's continual quest to make all things sexual, he presents a Decepticon Transformer that's posing as a human to get the shard from Sam. Why aren't there more of these models? Seems to me that Transformers who looked exactly like humans would have access to all sorts of things. Just look at Battlestar Galactica, a show that presents all kinds of interesting dilemmas around the idea of machines infiltrating the human race.

Bonus: The President's Messenger
The annoying fellow in the suit who continually issues painfully stupid orders would have actually been The Secretary of Defense. And to get to be The Secretary of Defense you generally need to be about 60 years old with some semblance of a clue.

Double Bonus: The Transformers Have Superior Technology ... and yet heat-seeking eludes them?
Sam and Mikaela would have given off different heat signatures in the desert. One missile should have done them in. But no, The Decepticons evidently have to get within two feet to hurt them, and even then they only knock a bunch of buildings over. Frankly, it's amazing to me that The Decepticons haven't just spontaneously combusted. They are the most incompetent (yet overwhelmingly powerful) villains ever. However, it's been brought to my attention that The Decepticons actually needed the fairy dust Sam was running around with, not him dead, so I suppose they didn't want to harm the shard fairy dust? Sigh. This is the kind of conversation we get into once a film goes off the rails.

Did I miss any? Should Jetfire have even had an old man voice? I can't think of the precise reason the racist Autobot twins don't make any sense but I'm definitely willing to listen. Until then, stay super.

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