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Eric D. Snider

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Eric has been a film critic since 1999, and a beard wearer since 2008. He holds a degree in journalism and used to work in "the newspaper industry," back when that was a thing.

Things Nicolas Cage Could Do That Would Theoretically Still Shock Us

Few celebrities are as consistently entertaining as Nicolas Cage, an Oscar-winning actor who has forsaken serious drama in favor of behaving like a lunatic both on and off the screen. The list of bizarre things he has said and done in real life is almost indiscernible from the list of bizarre things he has said and done in his movies. He named his son Kal-El. He used to own a haunted house. He outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for a dinosaur skull. He got arrested for drunkenly assaulting his wife, and was bailed out by Dog the Bounty Hunter. He was awakened in his home by a nude man eating a Fudgesicle. He went skydiving with a team of Elvis impersonators. He escaped from Alcatraz.

No! Whoops! See, it’s easy to get the lists mixed up.

You might think that at this point it’s impossible for Cage to do anything surprising. Not so! It took some digging, but we’ve compiled a list of…

Things Nicolas Cage Could Do That Would Theoretically Still Shock Us

Eat a baby on live television.

Allow himself to go bald naturally.

Chew off his own fingers, then regenerate them.

Offer irrefutable proof that Santa Claus exists, and that he is Nicolas Cage.

Raise Arizona.

Release a sex tape he made with Susan B. Anthony.

Become a professional wrestler under the name Steel Cage.

Shuffle his feet across a shag carpet, then touch us.

Ride into Comic-Con on a live dinosaur.

Leave Las Vegas.

Go six months without making a movie.

Assert that there is public interest in a Ghost Rider sequel and then make one.

Steal the Declaration of Independence.

Win an Oscar for best supporting actress.

Set a donkey on fire.

Become a tax attorney for the IRS.

Run a three-minute mile, then deny doing it.

Reveal that his hair plugs are made of people. PEOPLE!!

Deliver a performance that is nuanced, complex, restrained, and emotionally truthful.

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Tags: Bad Lieutenant, National Treasure, Next, Nicolas cage

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