After last week’s announcement that Disney had bought Marvel Comics for $4 billion, people began to speculate on what kind of Disney/Marvel projects might be in store. But let’s not forget: Disney also owns Pixar, ESPN, ABC, and the Muppets. Given Disney’s penchant for corporate synergy (i.e., cannibalizing its properties in the spirit of shameless self-promotion), we envision a film along these lines….

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars in The Incredible Hulk: Hulkie Goes Bananas!

Bruce Banner is a mild-mannered scientist and absent-minded professor who lives on Wisteria Lane with his lovely wife, Belinda (Amy Adams). They have a happy life, occasionally disrupted by the nosy “desperate housewives” who live on their block. Bruce and Belinda also have two precocious children, who will be played by whichever Disney Channel tween actors can be forced to work that week without violating child-labor laws.

Bruce’s rival at work is a smug, handsome scientist named Tad (Ashton Kutcher), who Bruce always thinks is flirting with Belinda whenever they socialize. Bruce never really wanted to be a scientist anyway — he played football in college, but had to give it up when he got married and had a family.

One day there’s a mix-up at the lab and Bruce Banner becomes the Incredible Hulk! (Flubber is involved.) Now, whenever he gets angry, he bursts out of his clothes — and into song! Specifically, “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green.” He tries to keep his new condition hidden from Belinda, but his torn clothes and strained vocal chords make her suspicious. The Hulk-sized hole in the garage door is a little odd, too, though luckily Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is able to repair it in no time.

Bruce sneaks off to Seattle Grace Hospital to see if the Grey’s Anatomy crew can help him, and then to Los Angeles for a consultation with Lost‘s Jack Shephard, who has become something of an expert in strange phenomena. It’s Jack who suggests that Bruce make use of his new condition by becoming a superstar athlete. Why, with his amazing strength and speed, he’ll be the best player in the NFL!

With the help of a grizzled old coach (James Caan) and some animated woodland creatures who engage him in a training montage, Bruce gets a tryout with a fictional football team, unless Disney can coerce the NFL into lending the use of one of its real team names. It starts off badly because Bruce is in a good mood. But then he sees on the Jumbo-Tron that Belinda is in the stands laughing with Tad (who is there for some reason) (and also, the Jumbo-Tron is on, even though it’s only a practice), and now Bruce is ANGRY! And when he’s angry, he’s a superstar!

The Incredible Hulk becomes a starting player on the team and is soon a national celebrity. There’s a montage of him on the cover of every magazine Disney can get its hands on; Larry King interviews him; Conan O’Brien makes a joke about him; ESPN’s Stuart Scott and Chris Berman analyze his techniques. (Disney has partial ownership of the Lifetime Network, A&E, and the History Channel, too, so expect to see them represented as well.) The only secret is where this Incredible Hulk fellow came from. No one knows it’s actually Bruce Banner, you see, because the evil team owners (Alan Cumming and Parker Posey) have opted to keep that a secret. Bruce hides in the locker room and doesn’t enter the stadium until he’s angry enough to be the Hulk.

But Tad stumbles upon the truth and, being a smug jerk, decides to ruin it for Bruce. He slips some Prozac into Bruce’s food on the day of the big game, and Bruce is unable to get angry enough to play! He’s forced to go on the field as himself, regular Bruce Banner, encouraged by his wife and kids cheering for him in the stands. All he has to do is believe in himself and his old football skills will come back! And that works for a few minutes, but then he almost gets killed by a tackle, which makes him angry enough to become the Hulk, win the game, be true to himself, and follow his dream.

Oh, and Tad gets a bunch of pies thrown at him. It’s Pie Day at the stadium, or something.

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Eric D. Snider (website) also assumes that, since it’s a Disney film, Bruce Banner will fart at some point.

Tags: abc, disney, espn, marvel, pixar