It’s difficult to write about the possibilities of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides just as the negative reviews are pouring in. Nevertheless, I will maintain some positivity, or at least write as though Pirates of the Caribbean 4 is still a nebulous film that could keep pirates going for a few movies more. I don’t want to see swashbucklers and scallywags die out as a genre, and I would like Jack Sparrow to remain a character we’re fond of instead of one that’s bloated and annoying.

So, let’s sail for that horizon together. Let’s believe Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides finds its course, reinvigorates its loutish hero, and puts new wind in the franchise sails. And if Tides doesn’t, well, maybe they can use these ideas for that inevitable fifth and sixth film. It’s never too late! James Bond saved itself, surely Jack Sparrow can too….

1.    Jack Sparrow needs to be something other than a joke

While it is popular to deride the Pirates series, its fans, and its legion of Jack cosplayers, you can’t deny that Johnny Depp invented a character that was fresh, original, and instantly iconic. When the credits rolled on Curse of the Black Pearl, the series had a star, and it certainly wasn’t the dewy-eyed hero, Will Turner. Depp had stolen the film single-handedly.

But two films and a trailer (again, as of writing this, I haven’t seen On Stranger Tides) later, Sparrow has become an oaf. Pearl certainly established him as a man who had embroidered many of his legends, but there was a deadly gleam in his eye that suggested he was a pirate to be reckoned with.  His introduction may be boozy and silly, but it’s also one that’s laced with danger and sexuality as he grabs Elizabeth Swann, a pistol, and successfully escapes.  The opening of Dead Man’s Chest also established him as a man who can think on his feet, survive a foul prison, and sail a ship. Yet from that point on, the series delighted in undermining his abilities, and showcased him as an idiot who succeeded more by everyone else being unbearably stupid than having any real abilities or talents.

Sparrow is supposed to be a bit of a wreck, a drink-soaked bilge rat who has seen better days. I don’t want to see him reinvented as a hero. He’s an antihero at best, and that’s why we like him. But I do want to see the pirate who we did initially meet in Curse of the Black Pearl — a man who was drink-soaked and ill-starred, but who was more lucid than anyone realized, and could quickly manipulate events to his advantage. Sparrow is a man who is actively out for himself, but the convoluted plots make him a man who is merely reacting for his benefit. Big difference, and one that needs to shift if he’s to carry the series on his wobbly shoulders.

2.    Shrink the cast

When Disney teased us with further adventures, many were eager to see a film that dispensed with so many characters, particularly Will and Elizabeth who often felt crammed in to Sparrow’s story. Yet On Stranger Tides immediately wrote in a Will and Elizabeth replacement, added a love interest (Angelica), brought back Barbossa and Captain “Keith Richards” Teague, and introduced a villainous Blackbeard. That’s a lot of characters for something that was supposed to be Sparrow’s first solo adventure. We need a film that’s just Sparrow, his crew (with perhaps one character emerging as a first mate / sidekick), and a villain. The piratical world is what needs to be full and vivid and bring the film to life. That’s what Sparrow needs to react against, not an ever-expanding roster of wacky characters who either don’t need to return, or are merely mimicking people Sparrow’s already met.

3.    Compress the scope of the films, and simplify the villains

This sort of repeats #2, but if this series is going to survive, it has to cut down on all the bloat. The Curse of the Black Pearl was the perfect blend of action and comedy, and while it had a triangle of combatants — Jack versus Barbossa versus the English Navy — it worked perfectly. The Navy needs to be a constant presence in the series, a force Jack either uneasily works with (in the face of a supernatural threat) or against (for treasure, territory, or survival). As At World’s End proved, you can’t have the Navy, the East India Trading Company, and Davy Jones jostling for villainous dominance, particularly when your “heroes” are supposed to be a bunch of independent looters. Pirate movies are the wrong place for Braveheart speeches. Keep the films in the vein of Westerns or gangster films — bank robbers versus law and order — and you can’t go wrong.

4.    Abstain from the Caribbean

One thing that excites me about On Stranger Tides is the promise of an extended sequence in London. The London of Jack Sparrow’s time is (vaguely) the city of Jonathan Swift, and that means a cesspool that a pirate could revel in. Sure, Caribbean is built into the brand name, but let’s see some new locales — Boston, Savannah, New Orleans, Morocco, Zanzibar, Mumbai (or Bombay, as it would have been then), St. Petersburg, or even Singapore again. One of the most lively sequences of the original trilogy was the Singapore sequence, and it would be exciting to see more grimy ports brought to life. It would make the stories richer, and give weight to Sparrow, who is in danger of being a character whose experience is all surface — i.e., stuff Johnny Depp thinks looks cool in his hair.

5.    Make the films stand alone

One of the biggest handicaps to the first three Pirates films was the half-assed way they tied together. The magical compass might have been a stroke of genius, but it’s absolutely baffling how Davy Jones’ origin story undermines itself between #2 and #3, and the pieces of eight become insignificant and replaced with random tokens. If you can’t remember the finer points, stick with a solo story. Plus, it’s always best to just tell one good story instead of tripping over yourself to set up more. Movies that feel like a pilot episode are destined for disappointment, as they rarely get their follow-ups. (I realize Pirates has jumped that shark, but there’s no need to jump it multiple times.)

6.    Ditch Jack Sparrow

Pirates has set up a delightfully dirty and boundless universe. So why not populate it with more pirate stories? Pirates of the Caribbean is supposed to be a catchall phrase (it was a ride first, remember?), not a translation for “This is the story of Captain Jack Sparrow.”   There’s no reason why every film has to hinge on that character, as likeable as he is.  Why not expand it to feature pirates of all stripes? You can still include passing references to Sparrow, Barbossa, Blackbeard, and Teague. (Heck, I’d like to see a Barbossa movie.) The worst thing this series can do is constantly force Sparrow to be its star when he’s not a proper hero, and can’t constantly be involved in every ocean dealing.

7.  Bring back buried treasure

You know what pirates are famous for? Booty. Not cursed gold, not arcane artifacts, and not beating, bloody hearts. Wouldn’t it be great to have a pirates film that simply sailed a crew of pirates from point to point in search of a great haul? It doesn’t even have to be coin. Pirates take hostages, towns, ports, and ships. Battles can be fought over material objects too, especially if they’re rich enough. The supernatural stuff has been fun, but the series doesn’t need to be tied to it permanently, especially as its bound to become more ridiculous as they try to invent new and outlandish things. Pirates held onto the popular imagination for a very simple reason, and it might be best to remember that.

8.    Bring Jack Sparrow to the 21st century

Just kidding. The minute this thing actually time travels or grants its characters immortality (Will Turner notwithstanding), I’m done.