Twilight is out on DVD. New Moon is shooting. Eclipse has a director. And if the rumors are true, Breaking Dawn, the fourth and final chapter in the Twilight saga, is now in the planning stages. If it seems like it’s too early to begin thinking about the fourth film in the series, then you obviously haven’t read Breaking Dawn.

SPOILER ALERT: The rest of this article spoils every major plot detail of Breaking Dawn. If you haven’t read the book yet, you’ll want to stop right here. I’m not kidding.

OK, now that they’re gone, let’s talk about how insane this movie is going to be! Stephanie Meyer clearly wasn’t thinking about the daunting task she’d be handing over to a poor, unsuspecting filmmaker when she wrote the conclusion of her romantic vampire saga. Let’s break down some of the biggest challenges Summit Entertainment will face when trying to bring Breaking Dawn to the big screen:

1. Kinky vampire sex: After a fairytale wedding, Bella and Edward finally get down to business on their island honeymoon. Meyer doesn’t give us a wedding night play-by-play in the novel, but in the next scene, the lovers awake to discover that Edward managed to destroy their bed in the throes of passion. He bruised Bella pretty badly, too. (And their lovemaking gets even wilder later on, after Bella gets her wish of becoming a vampire). Fans of the book know Edward means no harm, but is there any way to keep this part of the movie true to the story without making it look violent? And if they do remain true to the story, is there any way they can avoid being slapped with an audience-shrinking R rating?

2. Renesmee: The product of that wild honeymoon is Renesmee, a human/vampire hybrid child that Bella gives birth to before her transformation. Naturally, she’s no ordinary little girl. She gives her human mother cravings for blood during pregnancy and enters the world in a shockingly gruesome fashion. Once she arrives, it’s only a matter of days before she learns to communicate by sending images into other people’s minds (she can speak, too). And within weeks, she’s grown into a toddler. In order to keep up with the rate of growth depicted in the novel, Renesmee will need to be played by a different child actress in just about every scene she appears in. She’ll also need to be seen doing things years beyond the abilities of a real-life toddler. Someone better get Peter Jackson on the phone. They’re going to need a CGI miracle to bring this character to the screen.

(Oh yeah, there’s one more thing about Renesmee that might not translate well to film. Due to his werewolf powers, Jacob is able to identify her as his soul mate the instant they meet, despite the fact that he’s a teenager and she’s a BABY! How are they going to keep that from looking creepy?)

3. The anti-climactic climax: The final third of the book focuses on the Cullens’ efforts to protect themselves from the powerful Volturi clan (turns out having babies is a big no-no for vampires). Alice foresees an epic battle, and everyone goes to great lengths to prepare for the fight. But when the Volturi arrive, the whole ordeal is solved peacefully and written off as nothing more than a misunderstanding. Meyer sets us up for an epic battle, but then delivers a diplomatic discussion. There’s more carnage in the sex and birth scenes than in the so-called war! That’s not going to play well on screen. Will the filmmakers be able to keep the final act from feeling like a let down? Or if they do change it, will they upset legions of Twi-purists?

Breaking Dawn polarized readers of the Twilight saga with its bizarre plot twists and logic-defying resolution. I feel sorry for the poor screenwriter and director faced with the dual challenges of staying true to Meyers’ vision and trying to make a movie humans will be able to relate to.

Tags: breaking dawn movie, robert pattinson, stephenie meyer