Check back here LIVE, starting at 9 p.m. PST for our exclusive and wonderful MTV MOVIE AWARDS LIVE BLOG. It’s going to be just like the “Best Kiss” award, only sloppier!

8:54 p.m.: I accidentally turned on MTV early and ran right into The Hills wedding finale. It’s painful. I wish the bad man would make it stop. Really, who annunciates weird words in their vows for the benefit of the cameras? Till DEATH do us part!!

8:57 p.m.: Can we all agree we’re opposed to the Spencer-Heidi marriage? Lauren booked it outta there like she left the oven on … and had Plutonium about to boil over.

8:59 p.m.: The Hills coming back without Lauren is like Bon Jovi coming back without, um, Bon Jovi.

9:02 p.m.: Samberg goes montage. Technically both Twilight and The Reader were about an older predator paired with a young, partly oblivious, teen.

9:05 p.m.: I interviewed Samberg a couple of years back for Hot Rod. So yeah, you could pretty much say I made him what he is today.

9:06 p.m.: Andy doing a monologue is a bit odd. They should have made this one big digital short and called it “I’m on an awards show.”

9:08 p.m.: I’ll admit it, I’d probably use the chance to hit on Megan Fox too. When in Rome, right? Bonus points for the Cameron Diaz and Fred Armisen “Intervention” bit. I liked it! I’m liking this! Nooooooooooooo!

9:09 p.m.: I’m confident this will go downhill soon, no worries.

9:11 p.m.: And the MTV Award for “Breakthrough Female Performance” goes to Ashley Tisdale for High School Musical. I would have taken Streep for Mamma Mia! She finally showed me something in that one.

9:12 p.m.: EXCLUSIVE Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen footage. Holy moly! I hope this one has t-formers peeing oil and tip-toeing around grandma’s lawn while hilarity ensues.

What’s that? They already foisted that nastiness upon us? Oh. Well, then I hope this one doesn’t actually punch me in the face. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s not much, is it?

9:16 p.m.: Seeing The Hangover tomorrow. I’m excited. But not as excited as the Mexican police are for The Real World being filmed there. I don’t know what the going rate is for the “I need my friend who is in your jail” bribe is these days … but let’s just say a few Mexican captains are going to be watching new flatscreens this winter.

9:22 p.m.: The award for “Best Fight” should have gone to Shia’s agent begging to get him off Eagle Eye but it instead goes to Robert Pattinson for Twilight.

9:25 p.m.: Eminem tears it up. As per normal at the awards shows the audience looks somewhere between tranquilized and stoned.

9:28 p.m.: MTV beeped out a ton of words on that performance. That will totally save the kids!

9:30 p.m.: What are the chances the G.I. Joe movie is good? One in a million? A billion? Are there high enough numbers? It’s depressing because I was actually into the comic. Yeah, that’s right, I was the one. Reading X-Men was easy. You had to really want it to read G.I. Joe.

9:33 p.m.: “Cool Guys Don’t Watch Explosions” is very well done. Seriously, who would have been opposed to just a couple hours of this? Keep your Golden Popcorn MTV, I want more Samberg!

9:37 p.m.: The popcorn for “Breakthrough Male Performance” goes to Robert Pattinson. I did NOT see that coming! You mean there are people out there who like RP?

9:38 p.m.: I’ve interviewed him too. Twice, in fact. So you could say I’ve pretty much made him what he is … oh, never mind, I can’t pull that off with a straight face. But I did break down his hair choices back before it was cool to give him love.

9:42 p.m.: To all the aspiring movie bloggers out there: Don’t mess with Pattinson. Trust me. It’s not worth the death threats. Side note: It’s interesting they are all thanking Catherine Hardwicke, the same director who was axed by Summit for New Moon.

9:45 p.m.: Wow. So Bruno just landed, butt and package first, on Eminem (Bruno was dressed as an angel and suspended from the rafters). Which caused Em to get very upset. The bodyguards rolled in. Them Em walked right out. It looked too real to be staged. Meanwhile, Zac Efron won something, but I don’t know what, because it’s just awkward chaos wreckage.

9:48: Here’s the official story on that Eminem – Bruno dustup from People magazine.

9:51 p.m.: My wife, with a compelling argument on why Eminem lost it: “He’s been stuck in his house for four years, he finally comes out and MTV sticks an ass in his face.” Yep, that’s about the size of it.

9:53 p.m.: It’s strange that two of the biggest button pushers of the decade just went ass-to-face. Eminem vs. Baron Cohen. It’s our Ali-Frazier.

9:57 p.m.: They are handing out “Best Kiss”, but not before Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds stumble through some “banter.” The award goes to Pattinson-Stewart for Twilight, the little indie film that could.

9:59 p.m.: Of course they didn’t kiss, she’s dating Michael Arangano. Keep up here, people.

10:01 p.m.: Why can Forest Whitaker say “dick” but Eminem can’t say “ho”? Also, for the record, the montage of Samberg shorts, as sung by Chris Isaak, LeAnn Rimes, and Whitaker was fantastic. Again, and this can’t be understated, Samberg bits = funny. Parts written by the other people = less funny.

10:05 p.m.: Amy Poehler wins the “WTF Award” — and they bleep out a billion words in a row. WTF? At some point can’t we all just curse? Who is being hurt anymore? You think kids don’t know curse words? You’re crazy! (passes out in pool of own fury, AKA rage blackout)

10:07 p.m.: I like Lil’ Wayne. But Meester needs to eat more. “Best Song” goes to Miley from Hannah Montana: The Movie for “The Climb.” How about that? The only thing that can stall Twilight‘s coronation is Miley. I did like that MTV nominated Bruce Springsteen’s Wrestler song. When MTV is correcting the mistakes of The Academy you know something has gone terribly wrong.

10:13 p.m.: MTV mentions of New Moon clip that’s “coming up”: 14. It’s the same with their “movie blog” — they hype Twilight like they owe Summit money. I get that you need a young demo, heck, we need a young demo, but can’t we pay at least a little lip service to other films? Like, uh, The Dark Knight for instance? I don’t know. Just spit-balling here. Trying to look out for the kids. They can’t grow up on Twilight alone.

10:16 p.m.: Kristen Stewart could not be more disinterested in being famous. But HERE it comes, the CLIPPAGE!!

Warning: Movie reviewer type criticism ahead – This actually looks a little better. This is the guy who did Hard Candy and About a Boy. He knows pacing. He knows tone. I think New Moon might actually end up as a real movie. And the Jacob to Werewolf effect is already 10x better than the terrible “sparkly” Edward disaster of Twilight.

10:22 p.m.: I wish Ben Stiller (who wins the “MTV Generation Award”) would try more serious roles. Will Ferrell is amazing when he goes legit (Winter Passing). Same goes for Sandler (Reign Over Me) and Jim Carrey (Truman Show). Stretch yourself, Ben, you’ve got nothing left to prove on the comedy front.

10:28 p.m.: How do you think the meeting between Summit and MTV went?

SUMMIT: We’d like to take part, in some small way, in the MTV Movie Awards. We feel it’s an important demo for us. What do you think?

MTV: Hmmm, let’s see here. We can give you 90 minutes.

SUMMIT: How long is the show?

MTV: Without commercials, maybe 100 minutes.

SUMMIT: (big sigh) OK, we’ll take it. We’d have liked a little more placement, but you guys drive a hard bargain.

MTV: Yay! We’re set for life!

10:30 p.m.: I think I’d play Doubt, the videogame, for Sega Genesis. Get the scientists working on that.

10:34 p.m.: I’m offended that Paris Hilton is allowed to use the Silver Spoons theme song. Ricky Schroder meant something to us all, dammit!

10:36 p.m.: Kristen Stewart wins “Best Female Performance”. Poor dear. She’s got the “running hands through hair, extra despair” thing down pat though. She just dropped the Golden Popcorn, on accident, and for that I must salute her. If only she’d said “Fight the real enemy!!!” I’d have fallen in love.

10:38 p.m.: Whoa. Kings of Leon. Music on MTV? Looks like Jay Leno’s first monologue is teed up nicely.

10:42 p.m.: Seriously, if Twilight wins “Best Movie” then I give up. Guys, the movie WAS NOT GOOD. Yes, the books are solid. They’re quick reads that tap into eternal themes of vulnerability and first love. These are stories that are worth telling right, only if you’ve allowed yourself to become a “fan” of a film that didn’t deliver the goods. You don’t want to go down that road. Don’t let us become a community where Twilight is your benchmark for good. You’re better than that. Demand a legit film, with real emotion, with solid directing and dialogue. Start the revolution tonight. This is a call to (teen) arms. Don’t let people make money off of you settling for an inferior product. That’s all I’m saying here. You’re probably good people, worthy of movie that’s respected by everyone.

10:47 p.m.: True story, I ran into Danny McBride in a wine shop in Fredericksburg, VA. I told him I liked Tropic Thunder. Because I’m money with the quick quips like that.

10:49 p.m.: Jim Carrey wins for “Best Comedic Performance”. Yeah. Definitely. Yes Man was great, you can tell by this list of “Top Ten Comedies of 2008″ that it didn’t make. Sheesh.

10:53 p.m.: Thank God this is almost over. I’ve had relationships that were shorter (and happier) than this intergalactic nightmare.

10:57 p.m.: Twilight wins for “Best Picture” and I officially give up. I’m gonna need a body bag, some sedatives, and a whole mess of lye.

11:00 p.m.: Catherine Hardwicke steps to the mic, resume in hand. Parting shot: Why didn’t Stephenie attend? Because she doesn’t watch MTV anymore. She’s over 15.

11:01 p.m.: That’s my time, folks, and it’s been a blast. I wanted Dark Knight to win, but it didn’t, and now we’ve all got to move on with our lives. Hopefully New Moon will be worth this sort of hype, though unless it out-earns Titanic and gets ten Oscar noms I’m not sure how it could live up to five awards, an exclusive clip, shout-outs from every actor, and Kristen Stewart defiling the popcorn. It’s been a night, folks, it’s been a night. I hope this live blog finds you, and finds you well.

I’ll leave you with a little mood music and a viral video.

Tags: 2009 mtv movie award winners, 2009 mtv movie awards, live blog, live diary