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Eric D. Snider

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Eric has been a film critic since 1999, and a beard wearer since 2008. He holds a degree in journalism and used to work in "the newspaper industry," back when that was a thing.

We Asked a Telekinetic Teenage Girl with a Crazy Mother to Fact-Check ‘Carrie’

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(Note: Our guest reviewer, 16-year-old Ashlei Mulligan of Fresno, Calif., is a junior in high school who has both telekinetic powers and an abusive, Bible-thumping mother. She has agreed to offer her expertise on the issues addressed in the film “Carrie.”)

When the people from Film.com asked me to fact-check this movie, at first I was like, “That sounds dumb.” I mean, movies are movies. Nobody expects them to be real. When me and my friends saw that “Thor” movie, we weren’t like, “How can he be the hero of the story when Norse gods are false and blasphemous?” Because it’s just a movie, you know?

But then I saw “Carrie” and I was like, “No, THIS is dumb.” LOL. Even if something is fictitional, it should still make sense, right? This movie is chop-full of mistakes. You can tell the people who made it don’t even know anyone with telekinesis or an irrational fundamentalist mother, or else they would have been embarrassed to put this movie in movie screens.

First of all, you can’t use telekinesis to pick up anything heavy. That’s the hugest mistake I noticed. It actually takes a lot of mental effort. You can’t do it while you’re texting. You can lift up a stack of books, a garbage can, maybe a desk, stuff like that. One time I got mad enough at my mom to raise her off the ground like an inch, and then I blacked out for an hour. Carrie lifting up a car? I was laughing so hard. Cha, right.

You could pick up a baby, though. Or a very small person. If Carrie went to a school for 5-year-olds, she could probably telekinesis them all over the gym during prom if she wanted to. Small animals are also super easy to pick up, and they’re good for practice. Like raccoons or whatever. I used to go to the park a lot and throw squirrels around with my mind. They’re more of a challenge than inanimate objects. That’s what most girls do when they’re first learning, actually, is practice on animals. Carrie didn’t even think of it! That’s just lame.

I also couldn’t believe the clothes that she wore to school. Her mom is supposedly this crazy Christian nutcase, and she lets Carrie leave the house with her wrists and ankles exposed like a common harlot? The filmmakers have obviously never met a real sex-phobic fundamentalist loon. I’ve never been in public wearing anything more revealing than a loose kaftan made of burlap.

One thing they got right is having Carrie discover her powers at the same time she has her first period. It’s usually some major life event that brings it on. For me it was my mom murdering my dad. She was like: *stabs him in the chest with a sharpened crucifix* and I was like: *knocks lamp over with telekinesis.*

But fundamentalist Christian wack-job mothers don’t punish you for getting your period. That’s silly. Menstruation is natural. What they punish you for is if you use a tampon, or “the devil’s cork.” Get it right, Hollywood!

When Carrie started to get really good at telekinesis, I noticed she used her hands a lot. She was gesturing with them like a music conductor. You know who does that when they use telekinesis? People who aren’t telekinetic. Magicians and crap. That’s all for show. The real power comes totally from your mind. You could stand there frozen like a statue and still move things. Sometimes I’ll arch my eyebrows or squint my eyes because I’m concentrating. Sometimes I concentrate so hard that I pee a little. For reals! That’s gross, but it’s so true. Ask any telekinetic person. Why didn’t they show that in the movie??

Another thing. If they really wanted to be realistic, the prayer closet Carrie’s mom locks her in would have been smaller. I can’t even stand up in mine! When I saw the closet in the movie, I was like, “Lucky!” LOL! But it was cool when Carrie used her mental powers to crack the door, even though that’s not realistic. Telekinesis means moving stuff, not breaking it. Did they even do any research?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun movie if you can just leave your brain at the door and not think about the obvious things they’re messing up, like Carrie using telekinesis all day without getting a nosebleed, or her mom letting her go to a school that hires women, or Carrie dancing with a boy without getting pregnant. I just wish Hollywood tried a little harder to get the facts straight. This is why nobody goes to movies anymore. This, and because their mothers won’t let them.


Categories: Columns

Tags: Carrie, Chloe grace moretz, Eric d. snider, Fact Checking, Kimberly Pierce

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