Swept Away (2002)

Guy Ritchie directs his wife -- that would be Madonna -- in a movie that casts her as a 24/7 ice-cold bitch who warms up only after a real man slaps, kicks and then sexually subjugates her: Kiss my feet. Suck my dick. Call me master. What's up with that? Let the marriage counselors weigh in. It's my job to deal with the movie, a remake of Lina Wertmuller's 1975 art-house hit Swept Away.

For starters, it blows. Madonna continues to mistake a knack for striking poses with the interpretive skill of…

A pharmaceutical king surprises his selfish wife by taking her and two other couples on a private cruise. But her attitude quickly changes when she's stranded with the ship's first mate on a deserted island.

Story

When pharmaceuticals baron Tony (Bruce Greenwood) charters a private cruise from Greece to Italy to please his spoiled wife, Amber (Madonna), she is not exactly impressed by the converted fishing boat and its lack of modern amenities. She complains constantly and bosses the crew…

How's this for hubris from Madonna and her director-husband, Guy Ritchie? First, you make a movie with a good shot at the top spot when critics pick the worst cinematic abomination of the new decade. Then you preserve the dreck for digital eternity on DVD and have the balls to include deleted scenes from a movie that should have been deleted in toto if Madonna had had any mercy for her fans.

For the record, Madonna plays a rich bitch stuck on an island with a surly stud (Adriano Giannini). You…