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Eric D. Snider

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Eric has been a film critic since 1999, and a beard wearer since 2008. He holds a degree in journalism and used to work in "the newspaper industry," back when that was a thing.

Suggestions for Speed 3 (Other Than Not Making It)

The folks at 20th Century Fox, having abandoned all hope of ever conceiving an original idea again, are allegedly looking at making Speed 3. After all, the 1994 original was a big hit starring two no-longer-bankable actors, and the 1997 sequel was an unmitigated disaster. Why not wait a dozen years and try it again?!

You’ll notice I said “allegedly.” While the idea of making Speed 3 is bad enough to be plausible as something a studio executive would actually endorse, it might not be true. The source of the story is one of the anonymous writers at Ain’t It Cool News, who in turn was citing an anonymous informant who emailed him. In other words, Speed 3 currently exists primarily in rumor form, and a badly punctuated rumor at that: … we heard rumblings that Fox wanted to drag the SPEED franchise out of retirement;. Do two films constitute a “franchise”?. (Ain’t It Cool’s in-house style is to use as many punctuation marks as possible.)

The alleged sequel would allegedly involve the alleged return of Keanu Reeves‘ character, Jack Traven, who was absent from the second film. But Reeves told IGN that he hadn’t heard anything about it, and that if they do make another Speed movie, they’ll be doing it without him. SO THERE.

But they replaced Reeves once before, and they can do it again. Surely, there’s a plank of wood that could use the work, or a sedated monkey. And I assume Sandra Bullock will gladly agree to appear. It beats all the movies she’s been making, where she snorts when she laughs, spills coffee on herself, and falls down all the time. In fact, I read that in France, Miss Congeniality 2 was actually called She Snorts When She Laughs, Spills Coffee on Herself, and Falls Down All the Time. So I can’t imagine Sandy would turn down Speed 3.

Just in case this sequel really is in the works, we thought we’d offer some suggestions for the plot. It’s the least we can do after all the hours of enjoyment the Speed “franchise”(?!”;) has given us:

Speed 3: Glacier!
Since the first film was set on a city bus, and the second one on a cruise ship, it makes sense that the third would be set on something that moves even slower. Keanu and Sandy are on vacation in the Arctic Circle when a terrorist threatens to blow up the very glacier on which they are camping! Can they get to safety before time runs out? (Spoiler: Yes.)

Speed 3: Auto-Pilot
Our heroes are on a passenger jet over the Atlantic when a terrorist informs them that if the plane slows down to less than 150 mph, it will fall from the sky and plummet into the ocean! They are panicked until they realize that’s what would happen if the plane slowed down that much anyway. And it doesn’t. So everything’s cool.

Speed 3: SPEED!!!!
With midterms coming up, college students Keanu and Sandy have to stay awake for 36 hours straight so they can study. To aid them in this, they buy amphetamines (aka speed) from the stringy-haired guy who lives down the hall in their dorm. Then they forget about studying and go to a rave instead.

Speed 3: Career Control
A mystifyingly popular actor, at the peak of his career after appearing in a groundbreaking film called The Matrix, must act fast if he’s going to ruin everything. Quickly he makes two disappointing, inscrutable sequels that sully his reputation, and voila — success averted!

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Eric D. Snider (website) never drives less than 50 mph, including in parking lots.


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Tags: Keanu reeves, Speed

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