You've Got to Admit There Hasn't Been a Good Movie About Tigers in Space Yet

Many times people on the street will say to me "Hasn't every idea been done?" This is odd for a few reasons. First off, I was simply walking past them trying to catch the bus, we weren't even talking and B) I recoil in horror at most strangers. Especially the ones who seemingly know of my profound interest in all things cinema. But then, later, on the bus (and many miles away) from the person I think to myself, "No, there is still one good idea that hasn't been tried yet." Many people will know where I'm headed with this because it's so obvious but it's worth bringing up again anyway: Tigers in Space.

It seems so easy when you say it out loud like that. Tigers. In Space. I mean clearly you don't have to be a genius to get where I'm coming from. And yet Hollywood has not only ignored this simple storyline they've also refused to take meetings with me when I head down to L.A. for my annual "guys who will never ever sell a screenplay" convention. You should join us sometime. We hold it at the Rose Bowl. Anyhow, I'm not naive enough to believe I could pull off the Tigers in Space idea alone. I'd need a team, preferably equipped with Caramel Machiattos. But I have the basic framework already set, and I've answered many of the key Tiger/Space questions that Hollywood has so callously dodged. Here goes:

The gravity conundrum.
Yes, Tigers in zero gravity is a cool image, just ask Salvador Dali, but it would be a hell of a restrictive plot device. So I propose 90 percent of the shots are from inside the Tiger space station (TIGRE1). Sure, we'll have space cat spacewalks, you're not dealing with idiots here.

Whose side are the Tigers on?
I know this is the element that stopped Charlie Kaufman's Tigers in Space script cold. In his first draft the remaining human zoologists were pitted in a fight to the death with the tigers but Harvey Weinstein told him the family market would be lost with that decision. I read that the revised TiS script had the tigers and humans together fighting a giant group of nuclear ants. While I love the imagery presented here I heard through the grapevine that Charlie eventually gave up the idea and just penned Being John Malkovich instead. Anyway, the point I was getting to is that clearly you've got to have tigers on both sides of the equation. Traitor tigers and hero tigers for the audience to latch on to. Problem solved.

Do the Tigers Talk?
Absolutely not. Doesn't fit the story. But they growl really loud and we amp up the volume using that system George Lucas invented back in the day.

What should we call it?
Depends on who the marketing guys want to target. If we're going Oscar artsy I think Black and Orange Stripes Silhouetted Against the Stars has a beautiful ring to it. If we want a big action popcorn flick I think Hero Tiger Against All Comers - Two Legged and Four Legged Alike works great.

So now that I've done all the heavy lifting I'll be standing by, waiting for a phone call from someone with my $150m budget. We've had plenty of space movies. And plenty of tiger movies too. But we've never had the moxie to pull off the giant cat in the final frontier angle. Let's not make the audiences wait any longer. Let's do this thing.

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