May 09, 2008,
C. Robert Cargill
Once again, it's a weekend battle of head-to-head stars. This week we have the results of a bizarre cloning accident gone awry. In this corner, we have the clone that got the looks, the charisma and all the audacity: Ashton Kutcher. And in this corner we have the younger, leaner and frankly, more talented clone: Emile Hirsch. I'd like to say that this week's battle will be an epic knock-down-drag-out for the box office, but really. Who are we kidding? This week is about as predictable as an episode of Scooby Doo. Gee, I wonder if that's really a ghost or if it will turn out to be the amusement park owners trying to scare people away? You know the rules. Let's drop the cage. Two men enter! One man leaves!
In the box office this weekend: Winner = Hirsch
When in doubt, vote the blockbuster movie adapted from a cartoon show over the romantic comedy with two aging, waning stars. Speed Racer has mega hit written all over it, from its brilliant writer/directors (The Wachowski brothers of The Matrix fame) to its all-star cast. This kid-targeted confectionary delight is going to satiate the appetites of kids from ages three to 33. Everyone over that might find themselves bored, but are going to end up going anyway, just to see what all the fuss is all about. What Happens in Vegas..., on the other hand, has all the earmarks of being a dumped, rom-com alternative more than happy to take whatever second place scraps it can get.
In the critical arena: Winner = Hirsch
Thought of highly, as one of last year's strong contenders for an Oscar and an up-and-coming star in his own right, Hirsch made a smart move introducing himself to kids with a popcorn-chomping adventure. He does admirably and the critics will be more than kind, as he's already a young favorite amongst the cinephile elite. Kutcher has long been a thorn in the side of critics, with his long string of critically panned films ranging from early ones like Reindeer Games to comedic wastelands like Just Married and My Boss's Daughter all the way up to dramatic failures like The Guardian. Look for a wicked game of hop-on-pop this weekend as critics each take verbal 2x4's to Kutcher's flagging career. The only saving grace for Kutcher is that his film actually exceeds expectations, while Speed Racer simply meets them, or for some, fails to clear the high bar set for itself.
In their careers: Winner = Hirsch
Unless Kutcher pulls off something incredible and reinvents his career, his star will continue to fade until he finds himself in the realm of has-beens like Pauly Shore or Brendan Fraser. Hirsch, however, is on the way up, up, up. I fully expect to see him nominated for an Oscar at least three or four more times in his lifetime, if he chooses the right roles, that is.
In a fight: Winner = Kutcher
I'll give it to him. Kutcher is built, furious and has a mean streak in him. He'd mop the floor with anyone named Emile.
Winner = Hirsch
The weekend, the acclaim, the career -- he's destined to be one of the greats of his generation, held in the same category as and having his name mentioned alongside Gosling, Ledger and Bale.
Now you decide, who are you a bigger fan of?
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