Dearest Warner Brothers/Joel Silver/Whoever Else is Considering This:

Hi! My name is Brian, and I am 18-28 years old. I have never had a pen pal before! How are you? I hope you are good. I love movies! I think they're totally badical! Do you love movies? You do? Great!

Then let's cut the crap.

Look, fellas. I know. Okay? I know it seems perfect. I know he's available; I know he's done well in the past with precisely the demographic you're aiming for; I know he's got the heft and the golden locks and the blue eyes and the all-American thing all wrapped up in a nice, neat, cinegenic, fam-friendly package.

But please. Please don't make Paul Walker He-Man.

Cool?

Cool. I'm glad we did this.

Your pal,

Brian

-------------------

So, that's totally the open letter I'd write -- if I cared at all anymore. If they hadn't already plucked (with rusty tongs, mind you) the once-hopeful heart from my doe-eyed, Saturday-morning cartoon-lovin' self, danced it around in front of my face a little, bopped me on the head with it a few times, and then sent it skidding across the floor, to be carried off and indecorously humped to pieces in an alley by their confused, half-blind, desperately lonely cat.

Still, it's fun to play. Wanna see my He-Man cast?

He-Man
Hoo-boy. I mean, this one's tricky. Lundgren, Walker, Matthew McConaughey, Gerard Butler -- these guys all seem to make some sort of sense. I even stumbled across a (debunked) rumor involving Brad Pitt, which would be plausible (if a little sickening). Personally, I'd like to see a gritty, sorta Rambo-like He-Man. Take it in a different direction, maybe. Daniel Craig or Djimon Hounsou, perhaps? Hmm. On the other hand, though I hesitate to admit it, there's part of me that can't shake the notion that Kevin Sorbo was born to play the dude in the furry underoos. Ultimately, though -- and I hate to cop out like this, but it's true -- I think they should just get some tough-ass, Nordic-looking unknown, throw a Prince Valiant on 'im, and have at it. Go all Wolverine. (Incidentally, "Hoo-Boy" = Shia LaBeouf, He-Man's wiseacre, Robinesque sidekick?)

Man-at-Arms - Tom Skerritt
I was thinking Burt Reynolds for a while; Tom Selleck popped up later, too. But no, friends: Skerritt's the guy. And it ain't just the moustache; he emits that requisite calm-authority-figure vibe. It was a tough call between him and last-minute entry Kris Kristofferson (who's awesome) but I stand by my choice.

Teela - Amy Adams
I know she looks like Angelina Jolie here, but I'm thinking cuter, more wholesome. Actually, I think I just want to see this young lady in as much as possible.

Skeletor - William Sadler
Really the only ironclad deal-breaker on the list, for me. (That, and a Courteney Cox cameo.) Although, if he's unavailable, it'd be nice to get Michael Ironside. Just in case He-Man's ego starts, you know, writing checks. That are bouncing. When his body tries to buy stuff with them.

The Sorceress - Julianne Moore
I watched the cartoon as a kid and had a reverential crush on the Sorceress, if you didn't something may be wrong with your man-he-brain. Same logic holds for Ms. Moore.

Beast Man - Dennis Rodman
What? It's not like he's busy.

Trap Jaw - CGI + Frank Welker or Andy Serkis
This guy's pretty sweet.

Evil-Lyn - Rachel Weisz or Helena Bonham Carter
Hot? Check. Potentially evil? Check. Now, if they could just contract jaundice ...

Orko - Zach Braff
Yup.

She-Ra - Diane Kruger
Boy, if only we could have young Jane Fonda back, she'd be perfect. But if you're looking for statuesque and blonde, Kruger works mighty well.

And failing all that, of course, there's always these guys. (Dear God, thank You for the internet.)

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