Oh, man. When I was growing up and dreaming of becoming a big-time movie reviewer on the Interweb, I thought it was all bright lights and asking Keanu Reeves about how cool being in Point Break must have been. I didn't realize the sad truth of the situation -- that I'd just end up seeing a ton of really lackluster films. That's the deal I've made; I get to see jillions of movies but many of them end up being 1.) pretty terrible or 2.) average. Fool's Gold is right there in the middle of those two fates.

What they were shooting for was something akin to The Mummy. A madcap adventure, full of shenanigans and general merriment: this was the goal. The story is laid out with Matt McConaughey as the unreliable hubby of Kate Hudson. The Caribbean is the locale for our heroes and as the two are separated, a divorce is in the works. Meanwhile, Matt finds a mysterious ancient plate, which he believes will lead him to a treasure he and Kate have sought out for their entire relationship. They should get back together! Will they find the treasure?? Oh boy!

The best part of this movie, by a rather large margin, is Alexis Dziena as Gemma Honeycutt. The majority of the chuckles come directly from her portrayal of the daughter of the man funding the treasure-seeking expedition. She's set up as the village idiot but her delivery is so good that you wish they'd just made her the main character.

The unfortunate part of this story is the length. The movie isn't particularly funny, which certainly hurts, but it's better to be unfunny for 90 minutes than a full two hours. Violence is handled in a cartoon manner, which would be fine except for the fact that it drains all the tension right out of the story. The Mummy was classic because they used fantastical elements -- undead soldiers and such -- to tell the story. Fool's Gold offers real-life guns with real-life bullets, which doesn't work as well. The other issue is the Kate-Matt dynamic. The premise of the story seems to be that you'd want to divorce him with a quickness, but the actuality indicates he's pretty much just a normal fellow. He's nice even. And I imagine with his abs of steel he wouldn't have to chase a lady too hard. So it doesn't really add up there.

I like to imagine Matt McConaughey was sitting on a beach one day when his agent called and the following conversation transpired:

Matt: Hello?
Agent: Wanna do another movie with Kate Hudson?
Matt: Mmmm, maybe. Good money?
Agent: Yeah decent.
Matt: What's the story?
Agent: Some nonsense treasure hunt in the Caribbean.
Matt: You mean, I get to tan a bunch?
Agent: Yeah, sure. Just show up when they need you.
Matt: I'm in!

I'm actually not even mad about it. The movie isn't deplorable, it's just vanilla. Easy, straightforward, with very little drama or laughter in the equation. I can't really blame anyone. I'm sure they had fun doing it. I guess my dreams growing up should have involved a bunch more time on the beach with girls in bikinis. Live and learn.

Grade: C-

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