Feb 07, 2008,
C. Robert Cargill
Once again, it's a weekend battle of head-to-head stars. In this corner, we have up-and-coming actor, and all around good-looking Austinite, pre-2003 Matthew McConaughey. And in this corner we have the hunkiest of bo-hunks, the beach-combing sex symbol for the modern age, post-2003 Mateo McConauheyhey. Some people might look at these two and say, "Wait a second, those are both the same guy." But the trained eye can tell the difference. One is an ACTOR. The other is a CELEBRITY. Still can't tell the difference? You will, once these two duke it out. You know the rules. Let's drop the cage. Two men enter! One man leaves!
In the box office: Winner = Mateo
If there's one thing Mateo knows how to do it's take his shirt off. If there are two things Mateo knows how to do it is take his shirt off and bring millions of women out to the movies to see him take his shirt off. Matthew, while definitely a good looking guy, was never able to compare to the box office devastation that Mateo can cause simply by leaving his shirt in his trailer. I don't care how good Matthew's movies or performances are, charisma is charisma. Women want muscles, a 160-watt smile, and for a man to fall in love with Kate Hudson. Over and over again. Sans the shirt.
In the critical arena: Winner = Matthew
No competition here, Matthew McConaughey has worked with the greatest directors in the industry: Spielberg, Zemeckis, Sayles, Howard, Linklater, and (a very good, at the top of his game) Schumacher. His choices were bold, the films highly praised. Occasionally, he would attempt something of a more commercial effort, but these would rarely work. It would be films like Lone Star, A Time to Kill, Contact and Frailty that would become his acting calling cards. Mateo, on the other hand, manages to star in critical blunder after critical blunder. Movies like How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Failure to Launch, and Tiptoes would prove to be insipid, painful efforts for which critics would eat him alive. Even his most courageous efforts, like Two For The Money and Sahara would elicit critical yawns, despite their high entertainment value. Critics apparently wanted substance. And shirts.
In their careers: Winner = Mateo
Despite Matthew's range and versatility, it would be Mateo's "hot bod," penchant for physical comedy, and his ability to seduce even the most prudish of opposing characters that would get him any script he wanted. Unfortunately for audiences and critics alike, this would usually involve choosing a script that involved the most sun and water. Matthew's lack of lighting the box office on fire would get him great roles that would eventually fade away as his star power seemed to dim. The few offers that came in, the more apt he was to take off his shirt.
In a fight: Winner = Mateo
Older, wiser, and built like a marble statue (that smells like patchouli), Mateo would first blind Matthew with his smile, disarm him with his southern charm, then beat him to a bloody pulp with a stack of Kate Hudson rom/com scripts. Also, have you ever tried to grapple with someone drenched in Hawaiian Tropic? I'm not saying that I have, but I will say that the man in the suntan oil has an awfully solid advantage. And no shirt to grab on to.
Winner = Mateo
All the acting ability in the world cannot outmatch the power of a man who knows the right time to take his shirt off. Sorry Matthew, your career is over. Mateo is what Hollywood wants now.
C. Robert Cargill - - - Email Me
