May 05, 2008,
C. Robert Cargill
Despite the rumors, on May 22nd, Indiana Jones will once again do battle with an evil German. In one of the most asinine head-to-head match-ups of all time, cinematic juggernaut Steven Spielberg has found himself facing off with a familiar, if not quite playing-at-the-same-level face, Uwe Boll. Inexplicably, Dr. Boll has decided to schedule the release of his cinematic ... shall we say underdog ... on the same weekend as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. While I have long since given up trying to get into the mind of that devious little tr ... err, I mean Boll, much like Dr. Jones himself, it is time for me to dust off the hat, break out the whip and go to town once more on the old Doctor.
Bat-Poo Crazy Explanation #1: Overflow
It's Friday night. You've been waiting in line for what feels like hours. You get to the front of the line where the pimple-faced 16-year-old boy with the cracking voice tells you that all eight screens of Indiana Jones are sold out for the next four shows. You look at the board above his head. Iron Man? Seen it. Made of Honor? Wife dragged you. Baby Mama? Why is that even still playing? Postal? Hmmm. Sure. You'll replace your hankering for a classic adventure movie with a film about a redneck doing battle with Osama Bin Laden. Yeah, that sounds kind of awesome now that you think about it. Screw that old-ass Harrison Ford. That red-headed kid from A Christmas Story is one funny dude.
Bat-Poo Crazy Explanation #2: Plausible Deniability
I've seen Postal. I've talked to people who worked on it. Everyone knows it's not going to set the world on fire. It would be lucky to crack the top 10. So why not schedule it on a weekend when it's clearly going to get its ass handed to it, claiming reason number one (outlined above) as a good reason for this release date. But be ready to have this handy excuse when it takes a dive like an Uwe Boll boxing opponent: "Man, what could we do? We went up against Indiana Jones!" This gives Boll the best bargaining position with his investors. Keep in mind, there isn't a studio out there crazy enough to hire this guy. He makes movies with the money he gets from people he convinces to invest.
Bat-Poo Crazy Explanation #3: Complete Insanity
Maybe Boll really has lost his mind. And within that insanity, he honestly believes that his film holds a a candle to what Indy 4 might prove to be. Maybe this mad doctor sideshow routine isn't really the sad, obvious marketing gimmick I think it is. Spielberg is hit or miss these days, and maybe Boll thinks we critics really are out to get him, and if only the right audience sees his film, he can achieve the level of success long due him. This, of course, is the least likely of the alternatives. But when it comes to Dr. Boll, it's hard to rule anything out.
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