Okay, so once upon a time I was giddy and jumping with glee at some of the casting decisions for the upcoming Star Trekreboot. Really I was. I mean, they cast Simon Pegg as Scotty and I got blinded to what was going on. My geek senses got all turned around and for a moment I was crazy in love with what they were doing. But today is a "Coyote Ugly" day, the day I woke up in bed with this new Star Trek movie and I see it for all its warts and stubble. And I want out.

It's not that they made one truly awful choice in casting, it's that my eyes have been opened to what's going on. There isn't some brilliant casting agent or devoted genius quietly selecting people to play these timeless, beloved, classic characters. It is two giggling teenage girls sitting around squealing at their own dream cast.

Here, I'll illustrate:

Girl 1: So who do you think should play that creepy pointy eared guy?

Girl 2: Ew, that guy is so gross. He's like brain-eating gross. I know! That creepy Sylar guy from Heroes.

Girl 1: Oooh! Good one. He is creepy. What about Captain Kirk?

Girl 2: Oh, well he's hunky. You know who else is hunky? That guy from Just My Luck.

Together: CHRIS PINE!!!! SQUEEEE!

Girl 1: Paint me up in green makeup. Chris Pine is a go. How about Scotty?

Girl 2: The fat guy? Oh, well he's from, like, England, right? He's got that accent. Oh, you know who has a great accent like him? Shaun of the Dead.

Girl 1: Oh! He's funny. I love him. Put him down. What about Dr. McCoy?

Girl 2: Oh my god. You know who's hot? That Guy from Lord of the Rings.

Girl 1: Orlando?

Girl 2: No.

Girl 1: Elijah?

Girl 2: No.

Girl 1: Viggo?

Girl 2: No.

Girl 1: You don't mean that hack Karl Urban, do you? The guy who stunk up Doom and Pathfinder?

Girl 2: Yeah, that's him. He's dreamy.

Girl 1: He sure is. Well, maybe Dr. McCoy won't talk much this time around.

J.J. Abrams: Do you girls have my list done yet? I'm really busy trying to make Lost interesting again this season and the studio is hounding me for it.

You see folks, there was a time when they were talking about a reboot that involved following these characters back in the Starfleet Academy and us geeks joked around that it would be Star Trek 90210. Now they're actually making Star Trek 90210. I was ready to forgive Pine for the Pegg casting, but Karl Urban as Dr. "Bones" McCoy pushes it to a whole different level. Now it's personal. Urban has a lot of ground to make up before he puts on that blue shirt.

Things are not well in Starfleet, these days. I grow very, very worried. Let's worry together, shall we?

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