Alien vs. Predator: Who Would Actually Win?

I was asked by the powers that be to write a little something on who I think would win in an alien verses predator mano a mano. I will be honest with you. I didn’t take very long in considering this question. I did very little in the way of research to answer this question. In fact, this is a pretty stupid question and I apologize in advance for having to point out the obvious.

Note: To make things easier on everyone, I will refer to Uh-Nuld’s Predator as "Predator" and Ridley Scott’s alien as "alien."

The Predator would own the alien. I don’t care if it’s a queen alien. I don’t care if it’s that freaking dog alien in Alien 3. I don’t care if it’s that half-Ripley whatever-you-call-it super-duper steroid alien in Alien Resurrection. The Predator can’t lose, at least not in a fair fight. If you start bringing in an entire colony to battle one lousy dread-locked dude and you take away his cloaking device before things even start to get serious, well, that isn’t exactly fair.

Also, aliens are stupid. Yeah, they have good battle instincts. But, I bet you they can’t even do long division. Or fractions. I doubt they even have short buses on their planets. Their long bus is a short bus. Meanwhile, Predators solved space travel and camouflaging. Too bad they seemed to have come up short in the area of hygiene and plastic surgery. I think a Beverly Hills surgeon would make a killing on their planet.

Anyway, try as I might, I couldn’t even play the old devil’s advocate game with myself. Nothing seemed reasonable or feasible. I actually was looking for somebody to disagree with me so I called a couple of people to get their take. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m the one not taking in enough oxygen. I got on the horn first with the esteemed J-Good, a friend and fellow movie geek since college, and asked what his thoughts were. J-Good was nice enough to call me an idiot for even posing the question. "That’s like asking who would win in a fight: an alien being with super-human strength, cloaking, armor and a handy laser-beam over his shoulder … or an ant." Frankly, I thought he was underestimating the beast H.R. Giger originally designed but I took his point.

I called two other movie nerds to get their take and it was just basically more of the same. Nobody could find a plausible outcome where an alien would win. No one would disagree with me (Note: I only know three people in total). Instead, I searched the Internet and any time some nerd sided with the "aliens," it was obvious they were more interested in spending time talking about how much H.R. Giger "rules" instead of making a substantial case for an alien victory. My favorite post on the subject was probably the following:

Wait a minute... so who wins Alien vs. Predator? Don't tell me Alien wins, what did the Aliens out breed predator? Predator has all those cool weapons, and Alien just has Acid Blood and big ass teeth... Who wins? Don't make me rent this movie...

I did see some arguments that the alien’s speed and use of its tail would be disarming to a Predator. Bull crap. I know Predators are big and slow but you can’t outrun their lasers unless your name is Dutch and you have a bad-ass crew cut. Okay, sure, I will concede one thing in terms of speed: the smaller the battle arena, the bigger the advantage to Giger’s alien. You throw these two scorpions into a small jar and seal the lid; the alien has all the advantage in the world what with the acid blood and all. Plus, Predator’s shoulder gun is quicker long-range than it is short. Still, though, I’d count on the jar -- and maybe your entire neighborhood -- just exploding.

The beauty of Predator is he will do his best to make sure that he goes out on his own terms, and by "terms" I mean the detonation of a nuclear warhead. Thank god we didn't get into a cold war with these guys. They carry nuclear arms around like wristwatches. It's kind of like cheating, I guess. But it's got personality.

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Dre writes three times a week for Film.com. He supports the treaty for the nuclear disarming of all alien species. Email him!

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