“I, too, have an ass sword.” If this is a line you’ve been longing to hear in a movie, then RoboGeisha could be your cinematic dream come true. If instead you’re wondering how an ass sword would be any better than a handheld sword — this may not be your cup of geisha-served tea.

Armpit blades, nipples spraying acid, bullet-blasting breasts … Japanese director Noboru Iguchi deserves an award for hiding weapons where you’d never expect them (and where they should never, ever be). In this Cinderella-meets-Barbarella-meets-(think of a porn film)-meets … nothing-you’ve-ever-seen-before spectacle, sisters Yoshie and Kikue battle for assassin supremacy and the attention of silky-locked Kageno Iron Corporation hottie Kikaru.

Floor-scrubbing slave Yoshie lives in her pretty geisha sister Kikue’s sarcastic shadow until she catches the eye of young exec Kikaru. Too busy making goo-goo eyes at the smooth-talking, shiny-suited stud, Yoshie and Kikue learn too late that Kikaru has something other than romance on his mind. His real goal: churning out an army of cybernetically enhanced geisha in lingerie (and frilly granny panties) in a bid for world conquest. Featuring vomiting temples and geisha-to-tank transformations, RoboGeisha is a gory, silly, jaw-dropping, sidesplitting, sibling-rivalry revenge ride that revels in outdoing itself. You’ll either love it (but be ashamed to admit it) or hate it (and develop a debilitating fear of geishas — or becoming one).

Tags: robogeisha, seattle international film festival, siff